that feeling in the pit of your stomach

A few years ago - in the middle of my rut - it was very hard for me to feel anything besides ennui, apathy, and a massive dose of self doubt and awkward insecurity. Sure in day to day life I took pride in my kids and was able to laugh and joke and play along with others but in MY time...my quiet me time...there was just a lot of MEH. The only feelings I would get in the pit of my stomach would be the nauseating pangs of self consciousness and not feeling like I fit in - anywhere.  To which I was told I was being silly and that wasn't the case at all but still...those feelings were there. I have stated before (whether it was in my blog or not I don't remember) that since I've been on this journey I am open to so many new uncovered emotions that sometimes I can't help the weepy eyes (ok lets face it - I have always been a suck) and even when I am just sitting quietly at my desk or curled up on my couch I may look like I am miserable (bitchy resting face - look it up) but really I am usually contemplating this new found peace or happily daydreaming. I'm sure my kids might have something to say about my moods - I still am a mom and a human being so I do get cranky and I'm not on 100% of the time, and of course those closest to us get the brunt of it every single time...but feeling so much more than the MEH of years past is just so .... FREEING!!

There is one feeling I don't recall ever having had before...not like this anyways...but when I get really inspired...or motivated...my body starts to kind of hum....and it starts in the pit of my stomach and just spreads until I just can't keep still.  It's not butterflies - its like a busy feeling... If I start talking about fitness or eating clean and someone is really into it with me, it starts. If I read an inspiring story or see a motivational post, it starts. If I do something to take a step forward and better my life, it starts. I start to hum (internally of course) and then I just get excited and this incredible sense of happiness takes over. Right now - even writing about it and thinking about the possibilities of the future I am at full hum.

I think this is what it is like to be passionate about something. I think this is what it is to be happy.