These past few months have been equal parts wonderful and not so much. It has been a long winter, and I have been unmotivated, lazy and quite frankly in a bit of a funk. It's time to change all that! I've had some blog ideas rolling around in my head for a while now but I think it's time to get all this out of my head and into the universe - whether to find some inspiration, meaning, or just to purge the thoughts swirling around up there. Bear with me.
For the last 5 years or so I have been on the path to a "better" me; healthier, more positive ... blah blah blah - if you've read my blog you know this. I won't regurgitate a lot of what I've already said but my focus hasn't only been physical, there has been a lot of mental change as well. Learning to let go (or at the very least trying to) of a negative self image, seeing the positive in different situations, being more confident and present. In the last year I've expanded that quest to include being more ethical, conscious of my impact on the earth and the universe around me, and to just live a more transparent and honest life. I'm not going to lie - it's hard. I won't sit here and tell you how you should become a vegetarian, or why eating meat is bad. I won't preach to you on the effects of the agriculture industry on a global scale or why you should stop eating sugar, how to live a positive lifestyle or what workout you should do or why we need to save the bees. I simply do not have enough knowledge to do any of that. You can watch any number of documentaries on any of those subjects or pick up a book or go to a lecture and come away with far more than what I could pass on.
What I can tell you is that in making the decision to change my life, I am constantly learning. Learning is necessary to living - we never actually stop learning. Some people may come to a roadblock, a mental impasse if you will, that may keep the knowledge from truly sinking in, but they've still absorbed something - enough to think either 'this is something I need to know more about', or 'this is something I just don't care to know more about'. I wish these roadblocks didn't exist - I know I have my own I have to get past but I know I do care enough to learn more on all fronts that I've opened myself up to as of late, but there are years of undoing that need to happen before the new doing starts (or maybe doesn't start but really starts to take root and grow) if that makes sense. There are years of habits and beliefs that don't just instantly go away because you choose to live differently. Some things definitely come easier than others, but those roadblocks - well they take some time. The key to getting past them I think is partly recognizing that they are there. Knowing what they are and what importance they have helps to dissect them or knock them back bit by bit. This requires that honesty and transparency I mentioned earlier. This is also the hard part. It is incredibly easy to make up a lie - to yourself, your partner, the people around you....we do it every day, most commonly I think in the very simple "how are you/I'm fine" passage between two people in greeting, but I'm sure the lady at the grocery store doesn't want to hear why you're having a crappy day. So we tell lies. When we want to change though, the most important thing to do is be honest. I cannot move past my roadblocks if I can't be honest with myself about what they are. I cannot open myself to new experiences, and if I want those experiences to really sink in I need to clear the way. I would like to think I've come a long way from where I was, in fact I know I have, but my demons still lurk there under the surface, but I am far more adept at giving them a little pat on the head and actually acknowledging that they are there and then moving on than I ever was. Of course this isn't to say that they don't ever rear their adorable little heads now and then (they're my demons, and in my head when I personalize them they're cute - kind of like the wild things from where the wild things are) but I am learning to manage them.
When we start taking accountability for ourselves and start being honest, with our own self and with others - really great things can start to happen. Letting go of all that stress around being something we aren't, being able to say "yes - I screwed up" or "I need help" can be incredibly freeing. People will respond to it. Granted some people - usually the ones who blame everyone else for their life problems - will respond a little less than favourably and probably vanish, but many will respond in kind - you will start to get honesty in return, communication happens more freely. You will draw those kinds of people to you. It is hard - so hard - to admit to your faults (and I know this, I have many) but when we do we can start either accepting them for what they are, and for the ones we can fix, we can start fixing them.
I have a long way to go - but I'm lucky that I have a lot of great people around me who support me, and who are so patient in helping me learn and tear down those roadblocks. I have lost friends along the way, I am sure I will lose more, but I am also gaining; I am becoming the person I feel I was meant to be. I feel like I bring more to the table now than I was able to in the past. Life is far too short to waste time blaming others for our unhappiness, to be someone we are not, to please others while ignoring our own wants and needs. It is also too short to not take the time to live the best life we can. I have had a great life for almost 40 years - it's time for me to have my best life.
