blow out the candles

This weekend marks my 38th birthday and our Canadian Thanksgiving. What better time to reflect on where I am in my life and the things in it that I am thankful for.  Now, I am not one to really make much of a fuss about my birthday...but this year is a tad different. I'm still not making a fuss about it but it does have some significance to my journey on a whole...It means I have 2 years to make my goals of competing in a fitness competition (that seems redundant?) by the time I am 40 happen. One of the great things about fitness competitions is that 40 is actually not a stretch age wise by any means. I have 2 years to continue learning and applying the knowledge to my training to dial in my physique naturally, research coaches, learn posing, and make the changes to my diet (as well as training) in a safe and healthy way so that I am not damaging my metabolism, or otherwise harming my body.   Two years seems like a long time but to change your body safely, naturally and effectively time is your best ally. Not to mention 2 years is the end time. If I am ready before that it could happen before that. But it *will* happen by 40. So you can see that I have no issue getting older. I am so much better now than I was 5-10 years ago, and in such a better place mentally, physically and emotionally I can only hope that the upswing continues - and I will do what I can to assist that. I don't miss the partying or excessive drinking to ring in my birthday. Presents are nice and I am grateful for the kindness of my people but I really just like spending time with them - which is especially easy with the proximity of Thanksgiving which brings us to the Top Five Things I Am Thankful For!! (who doesn't love a good Top Five list?

1) It would be easy to say my family and leave it at that. But it's more than just my family. I am thankful for my parents for always supporting me, regardless of the decisions I've made through my lifetime. They allowed me to make my mistakes no matter how painful or frustrating it was to watch, which allowed me to learn and grow and get to this wonderful place I am at today. Still much to learn, but I know they have given me the tools to use the knowledge that comes with the lessons. My brother and sister, for being my bookends; an older sister who maybe didn't carve a path so much for me (hard to do when you're me and insist on going the long route) but was there none the less to bring me back to the main road, and my younger brother for being my protector, from a young age sleeping on his bedroom floor after the haunted house at Prudhommes scared me too much to sleep alone, to present day.  I have many aunts and uncles, cousins, second cousins and my dear inlaws (Meaghans dads family) who have shown so much love and support to me and the kids. I could really write an entire book on how much every individual means to me. Maybe one day.

2) Yes my kids get a separate bullet. My son changed my life. As a misguided girl in a bad relationship, he gave me the strength to admit I needed help and to go back to my parents and  start putting my life together. From day one we have been a team. He has grown into a young man I am incredibly proud of that I continue to learn from and we are constantly evolving as a family unit. My daughter completed our little family group. She has always been independent, but it has been a conscious effort to be mindful of the lessons we should be passing on to our daughters so that they grow up to be strong and confident. She changes every day and I can see those changes, whereas with my son every once in a while I get surprised by his maturity. I am happy and thankful that I can be both friends and a parent to both of my children.

3)  I am thankful for being given the opportunity to learn what my body can do and what I am capable of. After years of not really caring about what I was putting into it, and not using it to even a reasonable extent I have finally learned to appreciate what it can do and how it works in relation to how I fuel it. It has given me something I am passionate about and I love sharing with others. The motivation and  inspiration I have received from so many people has further incensed that drive and for the first time I feel like I have direction. (now i just need the funds to go in that direction ha ha)

4) My ladies most specifically, and my friends in general. I know I am pretty much a hermit but they are my link to the outside world. They forgive my absence and they keep me in the loop. The people who message me on a daily basis and bear with me through my rants, raves, and ridiculousness and those who touch base every few months or so. The ones who lift me up and bring me back down to Earth.

5) I am thankful for everyone who has challenged me, because when I have faced a challenge I have retaliated with change. I have learned about myself from the obstacles that I have overcome. My feelings have been hurt, my trust broken, I've been made to question my own self worth. From that my skin has grown thick, my senses sharpened, and I've discovered that regardless of what anyone thinks of me, I am unapologetically  ME. I even make up new words from time to time - like unapologetically.  If I am true to myself, and if I am good to people, even on the days where I may not be at my best, I am still the best me.  

There are many more things I am thankful for; the roof over our heads, the beauty of the changing leaves on the trees, beards, and Bapas Burritos to name a few, but those are my top five...take a few minutes this holiday weekend (yes you too 'Merica) to think about your own, and not just what they are but why they are. And regardless of what number you are celebrating on your next birthday, strive to make that year better than the last...that is what I am going to do.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends and family, and a Happy Columbus Day to my American buds.

sometimes speaking from the heart is the easiest hard thing to do.

Today was the 6th anniversary of the Children's Advocacy Center here in St. Catharines...sorry - make that the Kristen French Children's Advocacy Center - as today not only were they celebrating a birthday, but also a name change...a pretty important one in my eyes. If you aren't familiar with what they do I copied this from their webpage: "the Centre serves Niagara’s 12 municipalities, helping children and families cope with the life altering impact of child abuse. CACN’s partners are Niagara Regional Police Service, Family and Children’s Services Niagara, Family Counselling Centre Niagara and medical professionals."  It is the first dedicated facility of its kind in Canada and it has served thousands of children in the Niagara Region since it first opened its doors. I had the very special honour of being one of the speakers at todays event, having been a close friend of Kristen's in highschool. She was my best friend and I still love her dearly. 

When I originally started thinking about what I wanted to say it was hard; not emotionally, I have always been open to speaking about Kristen...but more so because I didn't quite see the connection at first - aside from the obvious contributions from the French Family on the original committee when the center opened.  As I thought more about what I wanted to say, and started putting words on paper, in particular one thought that kept rolling around in my head it became clear to me that this name change made perfect sense. Bear with me and I will try to get it out....The center is a place for children to come to feel safe, to share what happened with the people who are trained to help put these kids lives back together after unspeakable abuse, victimization, or witness to these things. As a parent, we do everything we can to keep our kids safe - or we are supposed to anyways. At some point we need to let them go to spread their wings - we let them walk home from school, ride their bike around the block, head out with friends for the evening, even just having a play date with a friend is part of that letting go. We arm them with the tools to make the right decisions - we hope - and trust them that they will do so. No matter how hard we try, or how well we teach them, bad things sometimes happen. We could not keep Kristen safe from physical harm. Not me, or any of her other friends, her devoted boyfriend, or her very close-knit and loving family. That is something that the people closest to her no doubt go over again and again again - the what ifs - I know because I still think about it almost every day. But what Kristen did have was unwavering strength, and faith. Her spirit was unbreakable and even if we can't keep the kids who come through the center doors safe from physical harm, her name will serve as a reminder to build their spirit up to give them the tools to cope, heal and move forward. That there even needs to be a center like this is heartbreaking...how can anyone hurt a child...but we are so lucky that we have this service and I truly believe it is making a difference in many lives. I am going to include what I had written for today's ceremony:

 When we were kids, we were immortal. We would live forever and nothing bad could touch us. In all the conversations we had about our futures, even our most whispered and intimate, the possibility of either of us not making it past highschool never entered our minds. I didn't realize until I was older that the idea or the truth of immortality lies in what we leave behind -  not in how long we live. It is because of the memories, the people who knew her, and the community who embraced her as their own, that Kristen will live forever.

Kristen's name is synonymous with the idea of community. We all know it takes a village to raise a child, and our village came together when we lost one of our own. 

Kristen's name is synonymous with serenity, as it graces various peaceful settings throughout the city, from her memorial bench in Port Dalhousie, to the Green Ribbon Trail, and her monument in Jaycee Gardens.

Now Kristen's name will be synonymous with the feeling of safety. For the countless children who are helped by the advocacy center each year, may her name be one they think of in troubled times, as a place they can come to find peace. I know that for myself, I have never stopped calling on her when I need advice, or just to feel comfort from one of  my dearest friends. 

We know that by all accounts, Kristen never stopped fighting. No one could touch the one thing that made her uniquely  - her - and that was her spirit. It is this part of her that lives on even though she is no longer with us in body. Having her name on this building is a reminder to every child who comes through its' doors that they too have one thing that they get to keep, that cannot be broken or taken away. 

I know Kristen would accept this honour with great humility and grace. Thank you for allowing me to share in that honour on her behalf.


It truly was a great honour being a part of the ceremony today. Being amongst her family, who have always made me feel a part of them, speaking to people who saw a need in the community and made something wonderful happen, and mostly just remembering. We don't ever get over something like this, but we do process it differently as we get older. The grief matures but never fades - it becomes a part of us. My life was changed not for what happened to Kristen, but from knowing her. <3

If you would like to make a donation to the Kristen French Advocacy Center, or volunteer please visit their website here. If you know of or suspect a child is being abused please call 911 if the child is in imminent danger or go here to make a report. 

deal with rejection

I have been toying with the idea of this blog for a couple of weeks ... things I want to say pop into my head and stick around - or they don't - and that's when I figure it's time to write a blog - or not. I want to talk about rejection.  Over the last several months I have been looking for a part time (or better full time) job ... sometimes the search is a little more serious than other times but it's always there. I am lucky I have a full time job that pays pretty well and have some great perks so I don't feel a huge pressure to find something else, but I know for what I want to do (aside from pay bills and keep my house/car etc) I need an additional income. Gone are the old days of printing up a bunch of resumes, pounding the pavement and doing the follow up phone calls...nowadays its all online, don't call us we will call you, come to our job fair....that sort of thing. I can't say I blame anyone for the way the things are, with the unemployment in this area being what it is, I am sure an automated application system is easiest. But it cuts down that first point of contact where you can introduce yourself, give people an idea of who you are and maybe even have the chance to stand out amongst a hundred other applicants. "Oh yeah - I remember that girl....she had a great handshake and super eye contact when she spoke" ... and believe me these things DO stand out! From my days at the record store I can still recall certain people dropping off resumes and the impressions they made. For all of the resumes I have put out, I have heard back from two - TWO - companies with the same response "Thank you for your interest in our company but you don't fit the bill...even with your extensive retail experience, apparent passion for customer service and just general skill over all we are going to go in a different direction...." and hey you know what? That's cool; between job hunting and dating (and let me tell you how similar THOSE two things are - right down to its all done online!!!) I have come to realize that I am not everybody's cup of tea. But every once in a while I get that nagging voice in the back of my head saying "you are no ones cup of tea...you are never going to go any further than where you are right this very second, and as for a life partner? HA! Time for another cat, lady."  Those days I will admit that I feel kind of down....but I know its not true. I know I can change my game plan and get a professional resume done and "professionally" search for a job. I know I will maybe perhaps meet someone randomly in the grocery store or walking down the street (and not from an online profile) who wants to stick around for a little  more than ... well y'know ... but its those days with that voice that really mess with your head.  So why do I keep trying.... why do I hold on to this hope that things will change, and why do I believe that I am destined to be more than what I am at this very moment? Why after all the rejection and listening to that voice tell me I'm not good enough do I get up every day and do it all again? Maybe it's because I *am* lucky enough to have a job so I find comfort in the fact that I was at least good enough to get this one...maybe because I have felt love - or something like it - in the past. Maybe if I didn't have these things I would be more cynical, or maybe if I didn't have them I would be more driven...But I think what keeps me going is the knowledge that I am not done yet. In all the steps I have taken in my life this is just another foot strike on the ground. As long as I am moving forward in something I am doing well. As long as I can keep being thankful for what I do have it will help me to work for what I still want...So the rejection isn't really rejection after all. It is merely another piece of the puzzle, another twist of the path, another reminder that my journey continues. I could be philosophical and say it's just not my time yet, or that the universe has something else in store for me besides a part time retail job and maybe that is all true also - who knows how these things really work. Until I know for sure I will not let that nagging voice get the best of me. I will continue to put myself out there - on so many levels - and appreciate what comes back to me in the form of growth and learning my self worth.

the over-sexualization of the fitness world...

Ok so this is stemming from a post I made over on facebook - actually a couple posts - that seem to have started a bit of a discussion...not a huge one mind you but enough that I feel I need to set my view straight. A few days ago I shared a blog by Tosca Reno that you can read here about the pornographic nature of fitness and physique models; a sentiment shared by a few of my mentors in the bodybuilding (for lack of a better term as it is more encompassing than just bodybuilding) industry, like Ashley Conrad and Amber Dodzweit of Clutch Bodyshop. Basically the idea is that there is little difference these days between fitness models and porn models, minus a little muscle and perhaps some exposed genitalia, and how it has become an industry norm to bare nearly all to sell a product. This in turn makes it near impossible for up and coming athletes to not only be taken seriously but to get any where in the game should they choose not to wiggle their glutes in front of the camera. Read the blogs - the above mentioned ladies say it so much better and - oh yeah - they've lived it so its coming from experienced vets in the biz...

Yesterday, I posted a list of the 35 most eligible bachelors in fitness as seen on spotmegirl.com which you can find here and I was pretty much called out for being a hypocrite (not that any of my lady friends were complaining) which is why I feel the need to respond with this blog...so here we go...sorry if I ramble...

There is a lot of skin in the physique business.... like... a lot ... bodybuilding/fitness/physique/bikini/boardshort competitions - male AND female - require the majority of the competitors physique to be visible. Duh, right? Same goes for selling products and services that cater to the transformation of ones body. Even competitive sports have their sport-appropriate attire. Google fitness models and you can see the glaring difference between whats appropriate and what borders on the pornographic. Don't show me a sweaty jacked lady in the gym wearing a thong and a strip no thicker than the jump rope in her hand covering her ridiculously ample (fake) breasts because I can assure you - she did not just jump that rope. Not to leave the fellas out of this argument either - same goes for the equally as sweaty jacked dude in the banana hammock (stuffed) sitting on the bench  surrounded by weights.What are you selling me??  I am far more inspired by a man or woman WORKING in the gym - mid rep - dressed for the workout.

I posted the list of men because
a) one of my fb and bbcom friends made the list which is awesome.
b) I like and appreciate the male (and female) form (and I do not differentiate between the 2 when it comes to bodybuilding and fitness) and know how much hard work it takes to get to where these people are
c) the majority of the images on the list actually are not scantily clad - in fact some of the names don't even have pictures! Since dudes have been shirtless since the dawn of time there is nothing wrong or overtly sexual with this!! (now throw some topless women in there and all of a sudden its a sex thing which is totally not right or fair)

I don't believe this list is sexualizing men at all. I opened it up to men and women to enjoy, many of my friends are into fitness and bodybuilding, and many more appreciate attractive fit men. This is not sexualizing or objectifying anyone. The fact that  it is a list of "eligible bachelors" isn't even a sexual concept as the definition of the word bachelor itself is simply:

bach·e·lor

ˈbaCH(ə)lər/

noun

noun: bachelor; plural noun: bachelors

1.

a man who is not and has never been married.

"Mark is a confirmed bachelor"

 

See? And to that point some of these guys probably have been or are in very committed relationships so maybe the list should have been titled '35 Guys we Admire in the Fitness Industry Because Well We Know They Work Hard at What They Do and They Seem Pretty Ok by Us'

I can appreciate the human form but we have turned it into something completely opposite of what the human body should be! We are MACHINES! We can do amazing things with our bodies and we are losing that to inactivity, unattainable societal standards of what we should look like, body shaming, and the objectification of who society thinks we should be sexually. I have boobs but that doesn't mean I need to bare them for attention and to get me places. As women I think the majority of us do get caught up in the "hey look what I can do" at least once or twice in our lives when it comes to using our sexuality - which doesn't make it right but we do need to find our place in the world as we grow into the different phases of our lives. I can't speak for men and it would be a bit of a different argument but I would think there is the same use of power as they find themselves as well...can anyone speak to this?

When I am in the gym I am there to work. I do not do my make up. I do not do my hair aside from throwing it in a messy ponytail to keep it out of the way. Most times I have not shaved my legs. I brush my teeth only because I practice good oral hygiene. I can't even say that I always have clean clothes on. (aside from my underwear b/c I was taught at a young age to always have clean underwear on in case I am ever in an accident...thanks mom) But the work I do shines through the dirty tshirt, the baggy sweats, the hat pulled low because THAT is what I am selling. My hard work. I will not sell myself out for a contract or a sponsorship if they tell me to get naked beyond what *I* want to sell.  And if I end up on some list of '35 Ladies we Admire in the Fitness Industry Because Well We Know They Work Hard at What They Do and They Seem Pretty Ok by Us' then I know I'm doing ok, and if not, I know I'm still doing ok by me.

so really....can you tell  me there is no difference?

losing my mo? oh heck no!

I came across this image today and I find it fitting as to what I have been experiencing lately. At first I thought that maybe my motivation was waning but that didn't seem right because I was still stoked with my progress, getting excited when thinking about my workouts through the day and getting amped when involved in fitness-related conversations. So I know its not my motivation that is the issue. My motive has not changed for what I am doing...in fact I feel more on point in respect to my goals and what I want to do in the future...

So what has changed? Other things in my life that aren't directly related to my fitgoals but are affecting the day to day ME. There are some things that are just not falling into place the way I would like them to and my get up and go is suffering. The gym is the one place I know I can continually progress and move ahead and even if I miss a lift or can't get a weight up this week I know that next week may be different. This is what gets me out of bed every morning and gives me something to look forward to when I go to bed every night (now, now...yes i have my kids and my wonderful family and I am not discounting them at all...they are a given and I could start a blog all about them if you so desire...)

I am trying to figure out the pieces and how I can be successful in something I love. It will take time but like everything else I have experienced with my transformation the time is worth it (and it will pass anyways) and I will get my go back...I still have the 'mo and thats all that matters.

From The Girl Who Couldn't...: Welcome 2014!

From The Girl Who Couldn't...: Welcome 2014!: Well here we are...a new month...a new year...and the same old new me. 2013 has been an incredible year of growth and success mentally, phys...

Welcome 2014!

Well here we are...a new month...a new year...and the same old new me. 2013 has been an incredible year of growth and success mentally, physically, and emotionally. 2014 proves to include more of the same as I continue to work on my goals of achieving my desired physique (which may not even be achieved in '14 but its all about taking the steps to get to where i want to be regardless of how many steps it may take or the length of time) and work on my positive thinking and emotional well being. I don't make resolutions because I don't believe that they work. I find they carry a stigma of failure (as well meaning as they are) but i will set goals for myself and work for them. I don't "wish" I don't "hope". I "will" "can" and "do".

I started off 2013 by joining a 100k transformation challenge that I will be joining again in a few days time on www.bodybuilding.com. I can't wait to see the changes from January of last year and January of this year, and seeing what changes I will bring about in the next few months. If you are looking for a way to get the motivation going for your own changes I suggest you look at this challenge and jump in!! I was able to maintain my weight over the holidays and enjoy some indulgences as far as my nutrition goes, and allowed myself things I wouldn't normally eat. Learning to enjoy stepping out of my comfort zone without turning it into a failure or falling off the wagon has been a very important part of my journey, and while I will buckle down and refocus my nutrition I know it is possible to indulge once in a while and it be ok. (I am currently suffering a chinese food hangover as I write this so keeping this very moment in mind will assist in my focus) 

2014 will also be the year my son graduates highschool and will go on to University.  This is terrifying. He is becoming his own person and pretty soon he will be an adult. He has done me proud up to this point, and I am happy he is staying in town for school this year (and would have accepted had he chosen to go  elsewhere) I look forward to the things he will achieve and it will be a very proud and emotional moment watching him accept his diploma in June. I'm sure he will drive me nuts a little in there too, but hey, I'm sure I will do the same to him once or twice.

I have seen great changes this past year in my daughter as well. She is well on her way to being a full fledged "tween" but with a confidence and strength I have never seen in her before that I hope she will carry with her through her teen years. She is enjoying being a Girl Guide and is thriving in school. Now if I could only get her to keep her room clean...

I was happy to reconnect with a few good friends this past year, and make some new ones. I also found closure in saying goodbye to a few others. I feel like I am in a good place and have built a great foundation to continue this journey and see what else I will do. 2014 may be a new year, and the start of a new chapter but for me I feel like it is just a continuation in the story of my life...and this story is just starting to get good...