I Run Because I Can.

This past weekend I experienced so many positive things I don't think this blog will do it justice. But here goes anyways.

I have been taking part in the Rankin Cancer Run for the last 5 years. The Rankin raises money for cancer research and support that stays 100% in the Niagara Region. When I started, it was in memory of a girl I had known through friends who had just passed away - far too young. I participated on the team that her best friend and family had started. It was a great feeling doing something for someone else, and taking part in an event that is all volunteer driven, and so well organized. I joined the team again the following year, on the same team and involved  my kids.
That fall my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was the type of person who never had more than a bad allergy day; rarely sick, and never made a big deal about anything.  When my mom got sick, our worlds changed. My dad learned to do laundry. Our family -always supportive and close - came together in a way that will forever define the kind of people we are. We band together, we fight, we lean on one another, and we stand against the world and what it throws at us. We could have crumbled. We could have turned our backs. We could have chosen not to fight. This was not something that was going to break us. My mother saw to that. Even in the hospital, during her chemo, during all the trials she endured I did not once see an ounce of weakness in her. We were lucky. She survived, and is cancer free today. The doctors appointments continue, the check ups fewer and further in between. But for me they still carry the possibility of a what if.
The following spring I knew I would take part in the Run, for my mom this time. Our family and close friends came together and we created Connie's Crusaders. We hosted a benefit show, and we all participated in either the 1km or the 5km. Being the team captain was a fulfilling endeavour. I felt like I was finally able to do something for my mom while she fought to beat the disease. If I couldn't do something directly for her, I knew I was able to do something for the community and the services that she, and thousands of other people would be utilizing. Maybe something I was doing would help other members of my family, my kids, even me down the line. NO one is safe from cancer. My moms big message that year was get yourself checked. And it is so true. It is so important to follow up regularly with your family doctor.
This past weekend marked the 3rd year Connie's Crusaders took part in the Run, and we had our third benefit show too. This year though was different for me. In light of the journey I have been on, and considering I have never actually RUN the Rankin as opposed to walking/jogging, I wanted to make sure that this was the year that I ran the whole 5k. I have spent most evenings for the last month following a couch to 5k program. The program is based on a 3 day/wk 8 week running program that increases until the user is running a full 5 km. I didn't have 8 weeks. I had 25 days. Technically I am not even done the program. My last training run had me running for 15 minutes. I had mapped out the route I had been taking and it 2 km shy of the 5 I needed to do. I had come to terms the night before the Run that even if I didn't finish the whole thing, the progress I had made with my running was still something I could be proud of. I was disappointed that I hadn't started training earlier, done it smarter. But even if I matched where I was at in the program I would still pat myself on the back.
I set out with my brother and my friend. The friend soon disappeared into the throng of people ahead of us  and my brother slowly crept ahead of me. My pace was slow but steady, and I was focusing on my breathing and navigating my way through the crowd. Instead of being disappointed that people were passing me, I was inspired reading the team names on the back of their shirts. So many people affected by this disease in all its varying forms. I was inspired by the young kids running. The mothers pushing babies and the older seasoned athletes pushing through. Inspired by the firefighters running in full gear, tanks included. Inspired by the thousands of people all united for one single cause. At the half way point I started pushing myself. "You're halfway there...you can do this...you can see the bridge in the distance - the finish line is right before that bridge"  At the 4km mark I started getting emotional. I was doing this. I knew I could push out the last kilometer. There was no way I was going to let myself quit this close. Right near the end I saw Mary Ann - the Run director. She is the sweetest most amazing woman and again I choked up. We were all here because of her vision. In the last few seconds, one of my favourite running songs came on (I swear God is a DJ) and I saw the clock ticking down at the finish line. I poured it on and crossed at exactly 39:00.
I found out later that my family was at the finish line cheering our team on as they came through and in a way I am happy I didn't see that. I would have lost my flippin' mind and all those emotions that I had been swallowing would have come pouring out. My first thought was to call my "coach" and tell her I had finished. Without her support and advice and inspiration I'm not sure I would have finished this at all. Calling LA from the finish line over FB though didn't quite work out (my data plan will thank me  later) I was so stoked. So proud. So amazed that I had done this.
I will take part in the Rankin Cancer Run as long as it is around, and as long as I am physically able. I hope that my children will continue to do the same. One day I hope we won't have to, because as Mary Ann says, that will be when we have beaten this. Until then, I will run, because I can.

**there is more to this day but that will be for another blog or else I will be here all night, a sobbing emotional mess...and I have to go for a run.**

food. the never ending battle...

I am going to start off by saying that whatever I say in this blog tonight, I have zero intention of offending anybody and if I do, I am sorry. I say this because food is an intensely personal topic. I don't think one person has 100% perfect dietary rules and our theories and food philosophies are always changing...fads, diets, lifestyle changes...This is just about me...and maybe a pet peeve or two...
  I have changed my philosophies on food as I've continued on my journey, and am currently in a "mostly clean eating" phase. I cut out processed sugars to a fairly decent extent, no alcohol, and well we have all read how many times a day I eat (5-6 usually - if you're new) Most of this has been relatively easy. I make sure to plan ahead and usually have some protein and easy to grab snacks on hand. I can honestly tell you I have only had one intense craving since I started cleaning it up in January, and it was a pizza I had brought home for my son. The key to success?? I just didn't eat it. I knew I would feel bad both physically and mentally for doing so. I can't wolf down a greasy cheesy piece of pizza after not having anything of the sort for months and expect to feel anything less than garbage. I can't enjoy the sweet tang of the tomato sauce and feel good about what I had just done. Food is a slippery slope. And I know myself. If I allow it once, who's to say no to a second or third slice...or following it up with just a little scoop of ice cream...so I just say no. And yes I know even the fittest of women allow themselves a cheat day (omg a whole day???) or a cheat meal or even just a treat once in a while...and thats cool. "they" even say that its healthy to treat yourself... But right now, where I am at in this whole thing I just don't feel like I need it. I really don't feel like I am missing out on anything. And when I look in the mirror at the changes and the progress, why would I want to risk that? I made a decision that I wanted to get fit, and that decision was more important than enjoying a piece of cake, or some french fries, or a cookie (and yes I do eat cookies...they're just kinda good for you) even just once in a while. I try not to be preachy to anyone but my kids - and yes they do eat normal stuff along with my clean stuff - and I am always eager to learn new things to try and be open as much as I would want people to be open to me. But the "come on you can have just a little **enter food here** you went to the gym today you can afford it" argument doesn't cut it for me. Right now to me food is fuel. I don't need to eat for enjoyment, I find joy in a new recipe that works out, or seeing a new shape to my arms or abs or whatever. I don't need to eat crap to be social. I can still eat with friends and family and not have to share a plate of nachos or chicken wings to have it mean something...It means far more to me when I see how they support me even if they think I'm crazy. It means something when my favourite waiter at Bugsy's not only patiently takes my order but knows it, or when my dad knows "no sauce" on my chicken. or when my mom lists all the fruit they have in the house so I don't go without dessert. That means so much more than how good any cheesecake or birthday cake or juicy cheesy greasy pizza ever will. So once in a while I may have whole wheat pasta or balsamic dressing on my salad from the Harvest Barn...pickled beets and some shredded cheddar cheese...thats my idea of cheating...(yep even when I'm bad I'm kind of good) and one day when I am comfortable with my progress I may cheat a little harder but right now I am really enjoying my choices and like I said before - I really don't feel like I am missing anything...

As for the alcohol...this was less of a clean eating move and more of a "why am I still in a funk 2 days after a night out" ... it was pointed out to me by a good friend (and one who doesn't drink often herself" that alcohol is a depressant - which I always knew but never really *got* (afterall, I am all sorts of fun when I've been drinking - no depression here!! ha ha)  But it made perfect sense. And it was entirely too easy for me to have too much, and with a new gym regimen and all the changes I was  making in my lifestyle it made sense to cut it out. I had originally planned to stop drinking just while I was finishing the 12 week program I had started, but when that ended I realized I didn't really need it. I didn't need the fuzzy hangovers (yes even after just a couple) or the really quick buzz I would get from wine. I was able to go to bars and drink sodawater (doesn't go over well when someone is trying to buy you a drink FYI - and the bartender can't quite figure out why you're there) and still enjoy the company and scenery, and cut out at a decent hour. I was able to have friends over and none of us were drinking and it was still a super fun night. Turns out I am still all sorts of fun!!  And feel great in the morning too!!

There are still all sorts of things I would like to do to further clean up my diet. Not only to eat more clean (cleaner?) but to learn more about the role food plays in our life, to expand on my cooking and baking abilities, and to really get as close to MY 100% as I can. And if I pass on your grandmothers homemade cookies, or a slice of  birthday cake its really not you....Its ALL ME!