The Road to Happiness

     I was asked the other day how I was able to 'turn things around'  and be happy. For anyone who  knows me, there was a while where I was cynical, negative and just kind of down more than up. Little wonder the worst of this period of my life coincided with my "fat years". I can't say there was ever really one defining thing that turned me dark so to speak; a combination of relationships, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, financial struggles, and just not really knowing who I was. These things I've struggled with most of my teenage/adult life. My mom likes to say that I did everything the hard way, but hey, I've learned a lot doing it this way and I wouldn't trade any of it because it has gotten me to where I am today. (The funny thing is I don't think anything I have done has been particularly 'hard' and I've always just done what I've needed to do to get by, especially as a single mom. I just do what I have to do. And I have been lucky to always have a great support system and never really know true hardships. I digress...) 
     Over the last couple of years I found myself falling into ruts. In relationships, socially, and with my health. Everything was the same day in and day out and I allowed myself to get drawn into the downward spiral that these ruts created. It happens to everybody; some people recognize it early on and get out before it gets too bad and other people, like me, just go with it and get sucked in. I am a total 'go with the flow' type person, and when the flow went bad - well so did I. Which isn't to say I was a horrible mean person during this period. But it was hard to think positively, love myself, enjoy the good things going on around me. Not to mention it is far easier to be a suckhole than a ray of sunshine.
     So how did I turn it around? Well I am still in the process;  It gets easier but I don't think it will ever be something that has a definitive finish line. Not until perhaps at the end of what I hope is a very long life I can sit back and say "Yes, I was happy. Yes, I had a great life." But how did I get to this point now? I needed to make decisions. I had to choose how I wanted to live my life. I have spoken before on the things I did to start the transformation journey, so I won't go into detail, but the journey has as much to do with my emotional well being as it does the physical. So I made the choice to be happy. I started to distance myself from the people and the things that brought out the negative me. I stopped going out to the same bars, doing the same things, relying on the alcohol to guarantee me a good time (which it never does). It is an incredibly lonely process, separating yourself from what you've known for years. To combat the loneliness, I started focusing on things around my house that I wanted to improve on. The nice weather allowed me time to get out and build my gardens, maintain my yard. It also allowed me to get out on the trails. (I could wander the woods for hours.) I spent more time with my kids and my family. I was sleeping better and enjoying the fruits of my labours. As my body started to change I was learning how to appreciate it from the work I was doing on it, and slowly building confidence. Doing all of this, removing myself from the social ruts, I was able to drastically cut down on the drama in my life. I was focusing on me for the first time in a very long time. I wasn't trying to make anyone else happy, I wasn't trying to fit in to a place where I wasn't ever really 100% comfortable. I was slowly stepping out of a persona that I had created very early on, and reverted back to every time I felt the need to retreat into myself. During all of this my mom got sick and it was a big kick in the ass to remind me how life short can be, and to appreciate everything about it. Now that she is better, I feel like we all benefited from that reminder and we don't take it for granted like we used to. 
     One of the most difficult parts of the change is positive thinking. I still struggle with this but as I mentioned earlier it does get easier. There are days where I need to literally yell at myself (usually in my head - sometimes not) to smarten up and get with the program. If I have self-doubt about how I look I will remind  myself of where I started. If I don't like something I will remind myself how to take the steps to change it. And then take them. I remind myself that others cannot control how I feel or act - only I can do that. I make sure to stay connected to other positive thinkers. Like-minded individuals with the same goals, who are taking the same steps as I am. My Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are littered with motivational posts, fitness groups, quotes and images that remind me I am not alone and that I SO GOT THIS.  I am inspired and motivated by the people who tell me I inspire and motivate them (something I will never take for granted and am so ridiculously grateful for)  I am moved by the people at the gym, the older folks and the heavier set who are there every day going for it. Having this kind of inspiration reminds me every day that the journey I am on is worth every early morning, every unsatisfied craving, every sore muscle and every negative thought that gets beaten down into submission. My self-confidence still suffers and I know how it holds me back from getting involved and putting myself out there, but I also know as I continue the journey this too will improve. I am already miles away from who I was even just months ago.
     I am still cynical about some things. I am still catty. I still have lots of work to do on judging others and myself. I still have my dark moments, and my evil twin still lurks below the surface. But if I had to answer today if I am happy, my answer would be "Yes. I am happy. Yes. I have a great life."