Rain.

It rained today. It always rains on this day. For the last 21 years. Rain. Maybe it rained for years before then too, but I wouldn't have remembered that. To be honest maybe there have been years since that it hasn't but in my head - always the rain. I remember saying goodbye that day. I remember the phone call. I remember it all. The days following; searching for my best friend with teems of people, the press, the detectives coming to my house. My family being there for me and being afraid with me. I remember the weeks following; her body being found, the clip on the news of a body bag on a stretcher, trying to figure out how to live each day afterwards. I remember the months following; dealing with the loss, the arrests, the evidence, the rumours and finding out what kind of horrific people are really out there in the world...in my world. I remember the years following; every single year. Without her. Learning to drive - without her. Graduating highschool - without her. Dealing with boys - without her. University, jobs, kids...all without her.  Thinking about what her life would have been like, her career, her relationships, her husband, her children. A son maybe that looked like dad but had her mischievous brown eyes that were always laughing. A daughter who would be her spitting image, beautiful shining brown hair, and of course she would be on figure skates as soon as she could walk.Maybe even what my life would have been like with her.  I don't allow these thoughts often - getting caught up in the past leaves little room for the future.Most days she will cross my mind, and it is a reminder of our friendship, and that she is always with me, like a little bubble of sunlight bursting around me.  But on these anniversaries, or the occasional news story, and when some random memory of the tragedy forces its way to the surface I let it overtake me. Maybe for a few seconds...a few minutes...a day...even if the sun is shining, I turn to face the rain.