Here we go again!

I am pretty sure I may be the worst blogger ever...but I made a commitment to myself that I would chronicle this journey on a weekly basis so here we go. I actually had a pretty decent topic rolling around in my head on Friday but I didn't take any notes and I've sort of been all over the place this weekend so it didn't stick with me like it normally does (or maybe that was just the universe's way of saying that wasn't the topic to blog? Could just be I"m getting forgetful in my old age? Or most likely that the topic wasn't all that good) 

For the last 6 weeks I had been doing a new program because of a new challenge I had entered on bbcom. After 18 weeks with Jamie Eason where things were changing every two weeks I found this one to be very boring and I wasn't seeing the changes I had been seeing prior. I know I have built more muscle and the 30 day ab challenge was great but overall I just wasn't happy with how the last 6 weeks panned out. Tomorrow I start a new 12 week program that looks like this but I will be staying with my current nutrition and supplements (eating clean and a multi/fishoils/bcaa's for supplements) I will also be trying to cut out dairy (I don't eat much really - 100g greek yogurt every day) I am hoping this may sort of some digestive issues I have been having but who knows - I've kind of been a mess in that department for the last 4-5 years. I need to examine everything I eat Mon-Fri (as it doesn't seem to affect me on the weekends?? Maybe its just work ha ha) So tonight will be all new measurements, new pics, and a fresh start at the gym tomorrow. Of course it starts with leg day...

I have also restarted my couch to 5k training for the upcoming Run Or Dye in September and I have to say that starting over from almost the beginning (week 2) I can tell that my pace has gotten better this time around and I have better control with my breathing. It should be a super fun run and I encourage anyone to join in...

Seems I have the day to myself with lots to get done (or not depending on how productive I choose to be) but groceries is definitely on the must-do list...so here we go!!! AGAIN!

that feeling in the pit of your stomach

A few years ago - in the middle of my rut - it was very hard for me to feel anything besides ennui, apathy, and a massive dose of self doubt and awkward insecurity. Sure in day to day life I took pride in my kids and was able to laugh and joke and play along with others but in MY time...my quiet me time...there was just a lot of MEH. The only feelings I would get in the pit of my stomach would be the nauseating pangs of self consciousness and not feeling like I fit in - anywhere.  To which I was told I was being silly and that wasn't the case at all but still...those feelings were there. I have stated before (whether it was in my blog or not I don't remember) that since I've been on this journey I am open to so many new uncovered emotions that sometimes I can't help the weepy eyes (ok lets face it - I have always been a suck) and even when I am just sitting quietly at my desk or curled up on my couch I may look like I am miserable (bitchy resting face - look it up) but really I am usually contemplating this new found peace or happily daydreaming. I'm sure my kids might have something to say about my moods - I still am a mom and a human being so I do get cranky and I'm not on 100% of the time, and of course those closest to us get the brunt of it every single time...but feeling so much more than the MEH of years past is just so .... FREEING!!

There is one feeling I don't recall ever having had before...not like this anyways...but when I get really inspired...or motivated...my body starts to kind of hum....and it starts in the pit of my stomach and just spreads until I just can't keep still.  It's not butterflies - its like a busy feeling... If I start talking about fitness or eating clean and someone is really into it with me, it starts. If I read an inspiring story or see a motivational post, it starts. If I do something to take a step forward and better my life, it starts. I start to hum (internally of course) and then I just get excited and this incredible sense of happiness takes over. Right now - even writing about it and thinking about the possibilities of the future I am at full hum.

I think this is what it is like to be passionate about something. I think this is what it is to be happy.

Doing it the old fashioned way...

I have had some people ask what I have done to get where I am today. I have done the bootcamp workouts (and loved them) but I find that I am far more comfortable with a weightlifting program with cardio built in on certain days. For me, at this particular point in my journey, I do not need a 'crazy' workout where I am killing myself with ropes or tires or trying to do 1000 burpees in 4 seconds. (ok maybe that last one is an exaggeration)  Now, before I continue, let me stress that if this is your workout I TOTALLY RESPECT that!! Crossfitters, bootcampers - you all get a hats off from me. Anyone who is doing anything more than nothing gets a highfive just for doing something. And you can all no doubt kick my ass in the gym. I'm not here to say what is better or what you should be doing. I choose a weightlifting program (and basic at that - still in the beginners) because I can work at my own pace and take the time to focus on my form and track my progress. I learn to listen to my body and know when to scale back when my shoulder or back start bothering me (both things I need to be careful of so as to not re-injure)  Having said that I also need to step it up and challenge myself a little more. But that too I can do at my own pace - and everything I've done so far seems to be working..

I have done all of this so far without a trainer - which would be completely beneficial and I will be looking into finding a coach when I want to start competing, but it can be done on your own. I started out working out at home, with weights up to 10 lbs and a few bands. There are lots of workouts you can do from home if cost or free time is an issue. Google can be your best friend here...and you know I swear by www.bodybuilding.com. When you're ready to move up to higher weights you can buy a set at a time or find something on kijiji or ebay (just make sure they are decent condition for your own safety) or you can invest in a TRX kit (a friend of mine found a first gen for 90 bucks on kijiji) which you can do ANYWHERE!!  And as far as the nutrition goes the internet is a wealth of information for clean eating recipes, grocery lists, tips, tricks and inspiration.

So if you look at me and say "I could never do that" I am here to assure you that you totally can. Find out what kind of workout works for you. Take some classes, try some different programs, although I do 100% endorse strength training with some cardio for leaning out and toning. And EAT CLEAN!! There is saying that abs are built in the kitchen and it's true...you can crunch till the cows come home but stubborn belly fat (and thigh fat for that matter) won't budge if you're not eating properly.

Recharge

I have a confession to make...and it is actually kind of hard for me to admit but it needs to be said...

My motivation is lacking.

There! I said it! It's out in the universe now - I have fed my demon a cookie and now he can digest it while I recharge my batteries.  I really don't know why I'm not feeling the give 'er attitude I've had for so long...the possibilities are as follows:

1) new schedule now that school is out. (ok *my* schedule has stayed the same but the kids are now home from school...doesn't really affect me all that much come to think of it.
2) bored with my new program (seriously at first i loved it but I was used to switching it up every 2 weeks in my last program and this has been the same for THREE WEEKS with no change in sight - but I committed to it and I only have 3 weeks left of it...)
3) I changed my diet up a bit, tweaked the carbs/fat intake and maybe its just not working. The issue here is it really isn't that far off what I was doing before.
4) I haven't been giving myself the proper amount of sleep in the last few weeks. Staying up a little later than I usually do and having a harder time getting up in the morning.
5) The heat. Ok this one is lame. I work in air conditioning, the gym is air conditioned, my house is air conditioned though I don't really use it and the heat doesn't bother me much (unless its high humidity in which case my digestive system gets thrown out of whack - more than it already is...)

So there are my top 5 possibilities for not being as motivated as I have been. All easy fixes. Which leads me to believe its something a little deeper. Maybe this is just a plateau. Maybe I need to deal with some resurfaced feelings about myself and others. Maybe I need to just accept it as it is, reflect on how far I have come and deal with the fact that not everyone can be on 100% of the time.

The good news? I have not sacrificed any gym time or missed any workouts. I have not deviated from my eating. This is what makes me know that I am still in this. I have had a million thoughts of "just one ice cream, whats one cookie, it would be so much easier to grab some takeout, maybe I should just stay in bed today" and I know so many people in the fit-world would say its ok to "cheat" and give in to those cravings. But its not a craving...i don't crave these things...its the convenience when I am not motivated to do much else. So I keep up with the conscious decision making and I fight with myself to get my ass out of bed and to keep at it. Some days I ask myself if I want to do this every day for the rest of my life...live this way...the gym and the food...and I respond with "look at the alternative" so yes - I will live this way to avoid living the way I did before.

I registered for the Run or Dye in the Falls in September and I have committed to this as well. I fell out of training after the Rankin Run and my legs just seem so damned tired all the time...But I will not cheat myself. I will start over from the beginning of the couch to 5k if I have to. I will do this.

I committed to the 30 day ab challenge - and am almost half way through. Its not easy but I am doing it. I committed to keep an eye on spending and have managed that well so far (easy  not to spend when you don't have money ha ha) I just don't feel the fire I felt last week - that I've felt for weeks.  I am still incredibly inspired just not motivated. And I have so many of you to thank for that...keeping me inspired, making changes in your own lives for the better. I effing LOVE that! Not to mention the comments, the thank yous, the compliments...they mean so much more than I can ever express.

I'm sure the motivation will come back. As long as I keep myself in the game I know a spark will catch again and that fire will burn intensely...for now maybe I just need a mental and physical recharge.

Now where did I put those jumper cables....

Another goal - part vanity/part charity...

Something you should know about me: I cannot give blood. This really bums me out because if I could give blood I would do it frequently (or as much as they let you anyways). Why should you know this? Well because if you ever really need it and you ask me and I say "no sorry I can't" it's nothing personal. Its genetics. It has also always sort of bummed me out that wig-makers for cancer patients would not take chemically treated hair. My hair has been chemically altered since my mom used to give us home perms when I was like...4...sad times. And no - I don't have any pictures handy. Its also been pretty much every colour imaginable over the last 20 years... I say "sort of" bummed me out because for the last million years I think  my hair has been short (maybe more like since highschool it just started getting shorter and shorter -I even shaved it at one point a few years back) so donating my hair for wigs was kind of moot. A 'well if they would accept my hair I would grow it out' kind of thing. But they wouldn't so I didn't.

I super loved my short hair but have been trying to grow it out for the last couple of years (yes - years...but then it gets awkward and then I'm like eff this cut it off). I'm not even sure why - once it gets long enough I either throw it back into a pony or up in a clip...it annoys the hell out of me when its down. But this time I am committed. To be honest I was committed before I had this brilliant idea but this will just make it worth it. Pretty long segue huh? Let's shorten it up a bit....I am going to grow my hair long enough to donate to a wig maker for kids/adults with cancer. I'm sure you saw that coming....but the best part is there is now a place in the states who will accept chemically treated hair!! Maybe there has been for a while but I have just heard about it. So sitting by the pool one day I made the decision and brought it up to Meaghan who was all for it. She is also growing her hair out for fun so for either of us its not really a sacrifice.

So sitting by the pool, talking to Meaghan about this we mention it to my mom and she's in too! Then she says we should tell my sister and my niece, aunts,cousins...and it sort of went from there. I'm not sure who is all in at this point, or what the final date will be (at least a year)  - my hair grows kind of slow and  this is where vanity sets in - I want to be able to cut it and it still be longish....But I am so happy to be able to do something more for the amazing folks fighting cancer. It's just hair. But for some people their hair is their crown...mine is just my easel and if something I can do as easily as grow some hair makes a child feel normal, or a woman feel beautiful about herself then why shouldn't I share that?! And maybe if one day they can fix my mutated blood cells then you can be darned sure I'll be donating that too!!

Check out Transitions Studio for natural, chemical free hair products and services and Wigs for Kids for ways to donate!

We Have L-IF-t Off!

What started out as a 12 week fitness challenge has turned into a life-altering series of amazeball moments that I have been so blessed to share with one of my highschool besties...all from 2500 thousand miles away. You may know her from A Racing Heart, if not, check it out...seriously...go now....I'll wait....


Awesome right?! Ok so for the past few months we have sort of thought that this is bigger than just what we were doing for ourselves and spent some time tossing things around...well we took our first step in putting ourselves out there to share our stories and our journeys (similar but so so different) tonight with the launch of IF ... D&E Inspired Fitness and we would super appreciate you stopping in, liking us, supporting us, sharing with us stories of your own journey towards a better life.

We all wonder What IF... We want to make the IF happen!

The Road to Happiness

     I was asked the other day how I was able to 'turn things around'  and be happy. For anyone who  knows me, there was a while where I was cynical, negative and just kind of down more than up. Little wonder the worst of this period of my life coincided with my "fat years". I can't say there was ever really one defining thing that turned me dark so to speak; a combination of relationships, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, financial struggles, and just not really knowing who I was. These things I've struggled with most of my teenage/adult life. My mom likes to say that I did everything the hard way, but hey, I've learned a lot doing it this way and I wouldn't trade any of it because it has gotten me to where I am today. (The funny thing is I don't think anything I have done has been particularly 'hard' and I've always just done what I've needed to do to get by, especially as a single mom. I just do what I have to do. And I have been lucky to always have a great support system and never really know true hardships. I digress...) 
     Over the last couple of years I found myself falling into ruts. In relationships, socially, and with my health. Everything was the same day in and day out and I allowed myself to get drawn into the downward spiral that these ruts created. It happens to everybody; some people recognize it early on and get out before it gets too bad and other people, like me, just go with it and get sucked in. I am a total 'go with the flow' type person, and when the flow went bad - well so did I. Which isn't to say I was a horrible mean person during this period. But it was hard to think positively, love myself, enjoy the good things going on around me. Not to mention it is far easier to be a suckhole than a ray of sunshine.
     So how did I turn it around? Well I am still in the process;  It gets easier but I don't think it will ever be something that has a definitive finish line. Not until perhaps at the end of what I hope is a very long life I can sit back and say "Yes, I was happy. Yes, I had a great life." But how did I get to this point now? I needed to make decisions. I had to choose how I wanted to live my life. I have spoken before on the things I did to start the transformation journey, so I won't go into detail, but the journey has as much to do with my emotional well being as it does the physical. So I made the choice to be happy. I started to distance myself from the people and the things that brought out the negative me. I stopped going out to the same bars, doing the same things, relying on the alcohol to guarantee me a good time (which it never does). It is an incredibly lonely process, separating yourself from what you've known for years. To combat the loneliness, I started focusing on things around my house that I wanted to improve on. The nice weather allowed me time to get out and build my gardens, maintain my yard. It also allowed me to get out on the trails. (I could wander the woods for hours.) I spent more time with my kids and my family. I was sleeping better and enjoying the fruits of my labours. As my body started to change I was learning how to appreciate it from the work I was doing on it, and slowly building confidence. Doing all of this, removing myself from the social ruts, I was able to drastically cut down on the drama in my life. I was focusing on me for the first time in a very long time. I wasn't trying to make anyone else happy, I wasn't trying to fit in to a place where I wasn't ever really 100% comfortable. I was slowly stepping out of a persona that I had created very early on, and reverted back to every time I felt the need to retreat into myself. During all of this my mom got sick and it was a big kick in the ass to remind me how life short can be, and to appreciate everything about it. Now that she is better, I feel like we all benefited from that reminder and we don't take it for granted like we used to. 
     One of the most difficult parts of the change is positive thinking. I still struggle with this but as I mentioned earlier it does get easier. There are days where I need to literally yell at myself (usually in my head - sometimes not) to smarten up and get with the program. If I have self-doubt about how I look I will remind  myself of where I started. If I don't like something I will remind myself how to take the steps to change it. And then take them. I remind myself that others cannot control how I feel or act - only I can do that. I make sure to stay connected to other positive thinkers. Like-minded individuals with the same goals, who are taking the same steps as I am. My Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are littered with motivational posts, fitness groups, quotes and images that remind me I am not alone and that I SO GOT THIS.  I am inspired and motivated by the people who tell me I inspire and motivate them (something I will never take for granted and am so ridiculously grateful for)  I am moved by the people at the gym, the older folks and the heavier set who are there every day going for it. Having this kind of inspiration reminds me every day that the journey I am on is worth every early morning, every unsatisfied craving, every sore muscle and every negative thought that gets beaten down into submission. My self-confidence still suffers and I know how it holds me back from getting involved and putting myself out there, but I also know as I continue the journey this too will improve. I am already miles away from who I was even just months ago.
     I am still cynical about some things. I am still catty. I still have lots of work to do on judging others and myself. I still have my dark moments, and my evil twin still lurks below the surface. But if I had to answer today if I am happy, my answer would be "Yes. I am happy. Yes. I have a great life."