I Run Because I Can.

This past weekend I experienced so many positive things I don't think this blog will do it justice. But here goes anyways.

I have been taking part in the Rankin Cancer Run for the last 5 years. The Rankin raises money for cancer research and support that stays 100% in the Niagara Region. When I started, it was in memory of a girl I had known through friends who had just passed away - far too young. I participated on the team that her best friend and family had started. It was a great feeling doing something for someone else, and taking part in an event that is all volunteer driven, and so well organized. I joined the team again the following year, on the same team and involved  my kids.
That fall my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was the type of person who never had more than a bad allergy day; rarely sick, and never made a big deal about anything.  When my mom got sick, our worlds changed. My dad learned to do laundry. Our family -always supportive and close - came together in a way that will forever define the kind of people we are. We band together, we fight, we lean on one another, and we stand against the world and what it throws at us. We could have crumbled. We could have turned our backs. We could have chosen not to fight. This was not something that was going to break us. My mother saw to that. Even in the hospital, during her chemo, during all the trials she endured I did not once see an ounce of weakness in her. We were lucky. She survived, and is cancer free today. The doctors appointments continue, the check ups fewer and further in between. But for me they still carry the possibility of a what if.
The following spring I knew I would take part in the Run, for my mom this time. Our family and close friends came together and we created Connie's Crusaders. We hosted a benefit show, and we all participated in either the 1km or the 5km. Being the team captain was a fulfilling endeavour. I felt like I was finally able to do something for my mom while she fought to beat the disease. If I couldn't do something directly for her, I knew I was able to do something for the community and the services that she, and thousands of other people would be utilizing. Maybe something I was doing would help other members of my family, my kids, even me down the line. NO one is safe from cancer. My moms big message that year was get yourself checked. And it is so true. It is so important to follow up regularly with your family doctor.
This past weekend marked the 3rd year Connie's Crusaders took part in the Run, and we had our third benefit show too. This year though was different for me. In light of the journey I have been on, and considering I have never actually RUN the Rankin as opposed to walking/jogging, I wanted to make sure that this was the year that I ran the whole 5k. I have spent most evenings for the last month following a couch to 5k program. The program is based on a 3 day/wk 8 week running program that increases until the user is running a full 5 km. I didn't have 8 weeks. I had 25 days. Technically I am not even done the program. My last training run had me running for 15 minutes. I had mapped out the route I had been taking and it 2 km shy of the 5 I needed to do. I had come to terms the night before the Run that even if I didn't finish the whole thing, the progress I had made with my running was still something I could be proud of. I was disappointed that I hadn't started training earlier, done it smarter. But even if I matched where I was at in the program I would still pat myself on the back.
I set out with my brother and my friend. The friend soon disappeared into the throng of people ahead of us  and my brother slowly crept ahead of me. My pace was slow but steady, and I was focusing on my breathing and navigating my way through the crowd. Instead of being disappointed that people were passing me, I was inspired reading the team names on the back of their shirts. So many people affected by this disease in all its varying forms. I was inspired by the young kids running. The mothers pushing babies and the older seasoned athletes pushing through. Inspired by the firefighters running in full gear, tanks included. Inspired by the thousands of people all united for one single cause. At the half way point I started pushing myself. "You're halfway there...you can do this...you can see the bridge in the distance - the finish line is right before that bridge"  At the 4km mark I started getting emotional. I was doing this. I knew I could push out the last kilometer. There was no way I was going to let myself quit this close. Right near the end I saw Mary Ann - the Run director. She is the sweetest most amazing woman and again I choked up. We were all here because of her vision. In the last few seconds, one of my favourite running songs came on (I swear God is a DJ) and I saw the clock ticking down at the finish line. I poured it on and crossed at exactly 39:00.
I found out later that my family was at the finish line cheering our team on as they came through and in a way I am happy I didn't see that. I would have lost my flippin' mind and all those emotions that I had been swallowing would have come pouring out. My first thought was to call my "coach" and tell her I had finished. Without her support and advice and inspiration I'm not sure I would have finished this at all. Calling LA from the finish line over FB though didn't quite work out (my data plan will thank me  later) I was so stoked. So proud. So amazed that I had done this.
I will take part in the Rankin Cancer Run as long as it is around, and as long as I am physically able. I hope that my children will continue to do the same. One day I hope we won't have to, because as Mary Ann says, that will be when we have beaten this. Until then, I will run, because I can.

**there is more to this day but that will be for another blog or else I will be here all night, a sobbing emotional mess...and I have to go for a run.**

food. the never ending battle...

I am going to start off by saying that whatever I say in this blog tonight, I have zero intention of offending anybody and if I do, I am sorry. I say this because food is an intensely personal topic. I don't think one person has 100% perfect dietary rules and our theories and food philosophies are always changing...fads, diets, lifestyle changes...This is just about me...and maybe a pet peeve or two...
  I have changed my philosophies on food as I've continued on my journey, and am currently in a "mostly clean eating" phase. I cut out processed sugars to a fairly decent extent, no alcohol, and well we have all read how many times a day I eat (5-6 usually - if you're new) Most of this has been relatively easy. I make sure to plan ahead and usually have some protein and easy to grab snacks on hand. I can honestly tell you I have only had one intense craving since I started cleaning it up in January, and it was a pizza I had brought home for my son. The key to success?? I just didn't eat it. I knew I would feel bad both physically and mentally for doing so. I can't wolf down a greasy cheesy piece of pizza after not having anything of the sort for months and expect to feel anything less than garbage. I can't enjoy the sweet tang of the tomato sauce and feel good about what I had just done. Food is a slippery slope. And I know myself. If I allow it once, who's to say no to a second or third slice...or following it up with just a little scoop of ice cream...so I just say no. And yes I know even the fittest of women allow themselves a cheat day (omg a whole day???) or a cheat meal or even just a treat once in a while...and thats cool. "they" even say that its healthy to treat yourself... But right now, where I am at in this whole thing I just don't feel like I need it. I really don't feel like I am missing out on anything. And when I look in the mirror at the changes and the progress, why would I want to risk that? I made a decision that I wanted to get fit, and that decision was more important than enjoying a piece of cake, or some french fries, or a cookie (and yes I do eat cookies...they're just kinda good for you) even just once in a while. I try not to be preachy to anyone but my kids - and yes they do eat normal stuff along with my clean stuff - and I am always eager to learn new things to try and be open as much as I would want people to be open to me. But the "come on you can have just a little **enter food here** you went to the gym today you can afford it" argument doesn't cut it for me. Right now to me food is fuel. I don't need to eat for enjoyment, I find joy in a new recipe that works out, or seeing a new shape to my arms or abs or whatever. I don't need to eat crap to be social. I can still eat with friends and family and not have to share a plate of nachos or chicken wings to have it mean something...It means far more to me when I see how they support me even if they think I'm crazy. It means something when my favourite waiter at Bugsy's not only patiently takes my order but knows it, or when my dad knows "no sauce" on my chicken. or when my mom lists all the fruit they have in the house so I don't go without dessert. That means so much more than how good any cheesecake or birthday cake or juicy cheesy greasy pizza ever will. So once in a while I may have whole wheat pasta or balsamic dressing on my salad from the Harvest Barn...pickled beets and some shredded cheddar cheese...thats my idea of cheating...(yep even when I'm bad I'm kind of good) and one day when I am comfortable with my progress I may cheat a little harder but right now I am really enjoying my choices and like I said before - I really don't feel like I am missing anything...

As for the alcohol...this was less of a clean eating move and more of a "why am I still in a funk 2 days after a night out" ... it was pointed out to me by a good friend (and one who doesn't drink often herself" that alcohol is a depressant - which I always knew but never really *got* (afterall, I am all sorts of fun when I've been drinking - no depression here!! ha ha)  But it made perfect sense. And it was entirely too easy for me to have too much, and with a new gym regimen and all the changes I was  making in my lifestyle it made sense to cut it out. I had originally planned to stop drinking just while I was finishing the 12 week program I had started, but when that ended I realized I didn't really need it. I didn't need the fuzzy hangovers (yes even after just a couple) or the really quick buzz I would get from wine. I was able to go to bars and drink sodawater (doesn't go over well when someone is trying to buy you a drink FYI - and the bartender can't quite figure out why you're there) and still enjoy the company and scenery, and cut out at a decent hour. I was able to have friends over and none of us were drinking and it was still a super fun night. Turns out I am still all sorts of fun!!  And feel great in the morning too!!

There are still all sorts of things I would like to do to further clean up my diet. Not only to eat more clean (cleaner?) but to learn more about the role food plays in our life, to expand on my cooking and baking abilities, and to really get as close to MY 100% as I can. And if I pass on your grandmothers homemade cookies, or a slice of  birthday cake its really not you....Its ALL ME!

The 100k Transformation Challenge - A Beginning

Growing up I was never fat, or thin. I was average, typical, normal...tall-ish but regular. I played sports in elementary and middle school, and in highschool I veered more towards the theater. I never gave much thought to my weight, my body, what I was eating or what fit was. And then I had my first child. I gained 50 lbs, and only lost 20 afterwards. Of course then I knew that the body I had before had been pretty smokin' .... still, it wasn't enough to make me think about nutrition or fitness. I didn't eat poorly all the time, and I have always loved veggies so it was never a chore to get those down, but I also loved chicken wings by myself on a saturday night at 1030. And drinking. I LOVED drinking. It's what you do in a university town - you hit the pub, or patio, or bar or danceclub. i worked in one for crying out loud!! And what better after a night of work then to chill with a few drinks and some food...Not to mention being a single mom with little money for food in the early days (but always had enough for drinks!!) groceries were quick and easy. Time passed and while I always sort of bemoaned my figure, I was also stoked that I finally for once had BOOBS! And guys liked them!! As long as they looked good in a shirt and I was getting noticed it didn't matter that they came with extra everything else...hips, thighs, bum...Child two came along 8 years later and I gained back the 20 I had lost with my first (if you're keeping count we are now back up 50) and I stayed there after the birth and for a while afterwards. Second child + boobs = sagging and sore back so I ended up having a reduction. I was a DD and went down to a small C and was thrilled that it cost me a few pounds...but the lifestyle of the late night food, the drinking, not paying attention to my weight caught up with me and I was over 200 lbs in no time flat. The first time I realized that I was over 200 I did what seemed to make sense...portion control, exercise a few times a week, buying low calorie, low fat food. And it worked - to a degree. I lost 30 lbs, I felt better, I was walking my dog on a regular basis, and it was healthy time spent with my then boyfriend. Things sort of went downhill come the fall and following winter when it was too cold to walk or ride bikes, and it was back to snacking at night, drinking, and after-bar food runs. The second time I realized that I was over 200 and higher than I had ever been, I decided to do something about it. We had a biggest loser competition at work so I dug in and started competing. I was attending a bootcamp run by a woman at work, I was learning about eating properly - about actual nutrition and was introduced to clean eating. I didn't follow it too closely and ultimately that was what kept my loss at bay for so long, but I still didn't understand that nutrition was 80% of the formula. That came after time...when I was stalling on the weightloss even though I was eating way better. And why when the weight was coming off, I wasn't getting the definition I saw in the magazines. It was a long journey - those first 50 lbs, and I didn't hit that goal until after I started this 100k challenge. I had been inspired by one of my highschool besties to join the challenge and it was exactly what I needed to reignite my motivation and willpower...I had been slowly creeping back up in weight over the late fall and early winter...THIS is what I needed! I knew I wanted to start Jamie Eason's Livefit Program again ( I had made it about halfway through the year prior) and this was the best opportunity as my bud was doing it too. I had made the commitment to eat clean, I was inspired by my daughters Lenten promise to give up chocolate and I did the same, and it very quickly went from chocolate to most processed sugars and has far surpassed just the Lenten season. I stopped drinking early in to the program and I started planning my meals, and everything just fell into place!! I have been able to go out with friends and not crave a drink. I can go to restaurants and choose clean foods. I can look work-cake and goodies in the eye and not even crave it. I even served pizza and cake and icecream at my daughters birthday and didn't even lick a finger! I took my food inspiration from Jamie Eason and Alaina Burger - I don't follow it to a T - which I completely understand has affected some of my progress, but what I am doing now is so far from what I was doing before. And it will only improve the more I learn and experiment with. I started Livefit a few days after the challenge so I still have a few left to go before I consider this first challenge actually complete, but I have made it so much further than before. On the days where I couldn't do the exact workout, I have made adjustments, added something else, done something I missed that evening or the following day, or switched up rest days, and can say that technically I have not missed one workout. The gym I go to is very busy at night and my mornings are limited time wise so often I have had to break workouts up between am and what I could do at home in the pm, and supersets/circuits have been difficult due to sheer volume at the gym and availability of space and the machines - not to mention I can be pretty unassuming and shy in public so a lot of time I just felt uncomfortable. But that will change, it *is* changing - every day. So again, I know that this has only affected my progress but this is my beginning, I am so much better than I was, and it just keeps going! I finally appreciate and desire fit over skinny, I am down over 15 lbs since Christmas, at least 10 of those since the challenge, my bodyfat is down, I have lost inches in my waist and thighs, my hair is shiny, I have definition that I have never seen before in my arms, legs, my BUTT!!! I have even found muscles in my face that I didn't know I had! This Challenge has truly been the best thing to happen to me, and I may not be the skinniest, or the fittest, or the most knowledgeable contestant but I will be damned if I am not one of the most motivated to keep this going!!

Rain.

It rained today. It always rains on this day. For the last 21 years. Rain. Maybe it rained for years before then too, but I wouldn't have remembered that. To be honest maybe there have been years since that it hasn't but in my head - always the rain. I remember saying goodbye that day. I remember the phone call. I remember it all. The days following; searching for my best friend with teems of people, the press, the detectives coming to my house. My family being there for me and being afraid with me. I remember the weeks following; her body being found, the clip on the news of a body bag on a stretcher, trying to figure out how to live each day afterwards. I remember the months following; dealing with the loss, the arrests, the evidence, the rumours and finding out what kind of horrific people are really out there in the world...in my world. I remember the years following; every single year. Without her. Learning to drive - without her. Graduating highschool - without her. Dealing with boys - without her. University, jobs, kids...all without her.  Thinking about what her life would have been like, her career, her relationships, her husband, her children. A son maybe that looked like dad but had her mischievous brown eyes that were always laughing. A daughter who would be her spitting image, beautiful shining brown hair, and of course she would be on figure skates as soon as she could walk.Maybe even what my life would have been like with her.  I don't allow these thoughts often - getting caught up in the past leaves little room for the future.Most days she will cross my mind, and it is a reminder of our friendship, and that she is always with me, like a little bubble of sunlight bursting around me.  But on these anniversaries, or the occasional news story, and when some random memory of the tragedy forces its way to the surface I let it overtake me. Maybe for a few seconds...a few minutes...a day...even if the sun is shining, I turn to face the rain.

My Own Worst Critic

As I near the end of my first 12 week transformation challenge, I started wondering "what next?" What will I do as the next step on my journey to a better me?? I realize I work pretty well with challenges, a deadline, (and a chance to win some cash) so I entered the BSN Summer Shred Challenge on BBCom. I am currently finishing up the 10k Transformation challenge with them and it was a great motivator to get me started. One of the contest requirements is that you post before pictures of yourself at the beginning of the 12 contest weeks. I had fallen out of practice of posting progress pictures from the first challenge so this was a great chance for me to get caught up and see the changes from the beginning of the first challenge that I entered near the end of January.

I hesitated posting these pictures here...I mean they are horrible and I am still very self conscious about my body but this is my reality. This is the road I am on and I need to face my challenges and successes equally and head on. Posting them on a relatively anonymous site like BBCom is one thing...but this - where I essentially invite people to gawk at my imperfections and my middlefat...well its daunting. It took me looking at the pictures for a LONG time before I started noticing the little changes. I mean I can feel the changes in my clothes and I can see some definition in my arms when I do things like tie back my hair, but when I look in the mirror I am still seeing the fat, and the stretchmarks and the cottage cheese in my thighs and my butt...I am still seeing the overweight me. But I write this and share these thoughts not to cry 'woe is me' or to get any kind of praise or compliment, but to remind myself that what I see in the mirror today is not what I saw yesterday, and it won't be what I see tomorrow. If I stay on this journey, keep on my path and keep doing the work, those things I see and bemoan will eventually disappear. I didn't put the weight on overnight and it sure as heck won't come off overnight. And even when I was skinny I was never "fit". I may have made it through almost 12 weeks of work so far,  but I am far from done. These first 12 weeks?? This is just my introduction...my prelude to what will be an amazing story.

January 24 2013 vs. April 7 2013

So there you have it. I am baring (almost) all - this is my reality. "I'm not there yet but I am closer than I was yesterday"

By Request

Just recently, after posting my success in FINALLY hitting the 50 lb weight loss mark, I was asked to share how I've managed losing the weight. I figured this was probably the best place to do so. I do have to start by saying that you should always talk to your doctor first and let them know what your plan is and see if they think it is right for you. Sometimes even the best laid workout plans and food choices are hindered by medical issues so make sure you`re seeing your doctor regularly!! (not to mention regular dr visits assist in early detection of anything so it is always a good idea - not just if you`re trying to get fit) My doctor - an amazing lady - has been supportive and interested from the start and approves of my choices.

I have actually gone through 3 attempts at battling my weight. When I first realized that my numbers had BLOWN UP I was at a birthday party at my sisters house for one of her kids. I stepped on the scale and was honestly shocked at what I saw. I am a tallish girl - 5 foot 9 with a long torso so it hides the weight well. And it was so gradual (or so it seemed) that I never really noticed it in my face. I knew clothes weren`t fitting quite right but I wasn`t paying the proper attention to myself at the time.

Obviously unhappy with the weight gain I first off stopped snacking on junk food at night. I`ve never been a huge junk food junkie but I had enough to know it wasn`t the best for me. I switched up junkfood for `healthy` snacks - you know the kind...`100 calories a package`or `low-fat high flavour(read - salt)` snacks. Tostitos and salsa -  well they`re sort of good for you - and the sour cream I would dollop in there was low fat or fat free so hey!! Works for me!  I also started walking and bike riding. This is when I really started to enjoy hiking too - I had always sort of done it randomly but this is when it became a regular in my summer itinerary. On top of the walking and the biking I was watching my portions and would often choose chicken over beef (or veggie burgers if I thought to buy some) so instead of two burgers with all the fixin`s I would have one, with salsa as my only condiment. I cut out pop and went whole wheat bread products and opted for turkey subs no cheese over a combo at the food court in the mall where I worked. I drank water like a fiend. From these changes I had lost 30 lbs. But it was short lived.

Life happens, things change, new job, and  a move came and I was on my own with the kids, doing the groceries and cooking for the three of us. I stopped paying attention to what I was doing and went for the quick fixes...easy dinners, processed, fast food,  and of course - the beer. The weight came back and again so preoccupied with everything else BUT me and my health I didn`t really notice and the pounds didn`t just come back - they brought friends...

Weight attempt number 2: I touched on this in my first blog - after another job change - the Biggest Loser weight loss competition, the boot camp and eventually the gym. When I realized that the weight had returned I went back to what I knew with the portion control, and I also started logging what I was eating. I joined the website www.sparkpeople.com and for the first time I was accountable for what I was eating. The site (and there are others like it) have thousands of foods already posted in their database and if you can`t find something you can add it. They also create menus based on what you want to lose and what your calorie range should be. While I was tracking my exercise the program would notify me if I was eating enough to maintain the calories in vs out. It took a long time for the weight to start coming off, even though I was eating better and exercising on a regular basis. What I wasn`t getting was what I consider to be the missing link...Metabolism!! You need to eat more to lose more. It was great that I had finally started eating breakfast when I first woke up and not hours into the morning (or at all) but I needed to start eating the meals in between the meals. It was a hard adjustment to make...breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner...food food food....I still feel like I`m eating all the time but now I pay attention to what my body tells me and I know when I`ve missed a meal. I was introduced to the concept of Clean Eating at this time as well. It is exactly as it sounds - eating clean. No processed foods. Fruits and veggies, spices and healthy fats, nuts, grains...all the good stuff. I learned of this through the Oxygen Magazine. Great workouts and food ideas, full of tips and tidbits. And best of all, women from every age group from 20`s through to 50`s who have taken on the challenge of transforming their lives - women who you could read about and relate to and think `I can do this too!!`  I also was introduced to www.bodybuilding.com where I found Jamie Eason`s LiveFit Program - a 12 week fitness program that would help me to tone up and lean out from what I had managed to lose up to that point. I will admit I was not good with the clean eating, and I managed almost 6 weeks of the LiveFit Program before Christmas came and I fell off the wagon. But if I look back now I can see that I was using this time to gain knowledge, arming myself with the basics to build the foundation for this - my third - and final attempt at my transformation.

Third time is a charm!! Again, I have touched on this in my previous blog so I won`t go into too much detail but I will summarize when I am all done here. This time I was inspired by a friend to join a transformation challenge on bbcom. I had been thinking for *months* that I needed something to light the fire under my butt and wondered where I had gotten the willpower from before. Well this challenge was what I needed to get started again. I had liked the LiveFit Program and wanted to restart that. I knew the nutrition portion (which Jamie Eason includes in the program) I feel like its when I was ready to quit smoking. I just knew it was time. I gave myself a deadline and I stuck to it and never looked back. This is just like that. I gave myself a deadline, and set my parameters about what I was comfortable doing and stuck to it. I cleaned up  my eating, gave up processed sugars, and while I am on this program I am not drinking. Just over halfway through I am feeling great, seeing amazing results and I don`t miss any of the crap I was eating. I managed to lose the extra 10 lbs I had gained back over the last few months (when I stopped tracking my food and being active) and then some. My first goal has been met - but the lifelong goal of being a fit and healthy woman will never truly be over.

So, if you`re still with me, a brief synopsis of how I got to this point...
1. EDUCATE YOURSELF and surround yourself with like minded people who will support you in your goals and not bring you down. Read, go online, join support groups, get inspired.
2. MAKE TIME!!! If it means getting up earlier, staying up later, getting a babysitter for an hour or leaving the kids in the gym daycare, working out from home while the kids are doing their homework or whatever - there is always time to work out!! Lunch hours, breaks, whenever. When I can`t get to the gym I will workout at home or alternate my rest day to accommodate the program. But I`m always pre-planning. Which leads me to...
3. FAIL TO PLAN - PLAN TO FAIL!!!  This was huge for me. Every week I try and plan my meals and use sundays for cooking for the week and doing any of my protein baking. I transfer the next days workout to my phone the day before so I know what I can expect and know what I`m walking into. I make grocery lists and stick to them!! This sounds like a lot of work but it actually helps me be more organized when I know what to expect and I`m not spending time worrying about what I need to make or buy or pack for lunch etc.
4. KICK START YOUR METABOLISM - getting this going will also kickstart the weightloss. Eat to lose. You should be eating 5-6 times a day and nothing 3 hours prior to bed time. I also recommend eating clean because its what makes the most sense to me. Processed foods and sugars wreak havoc on our systems. Having said that I know there are different food theories out there - research different options and do what is best for you.
5. BE ACCOUNTABLE - part of why I am always posting food pics or gym statuses is to be accountable. It reminds me that I have people out there supporting me. But being accountable also means tracking my food and my workouts EVERYDAY!! Which of course means making time - but if it means one less game of candy crush saga or logging meals on Walking Dead commercial breaks - so be it.
6. FIND A PROGRAM YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH and get the help you need to get you through it. On www.bodybuilding.com there are all sorts of different programs posted for all sorts of fitness levels, and I know there are tons of other sites out there. Get a trainer if you can to make sure your form is correct and don`t expect to walk into the gym on day 1 and hit everything hard. Even with the LiveFit program if I am not comfortable with a posted exercise I look for - and do - an alternate - but I don`t use that as an excuse to crap out on my workout...
7. STICK TO IT changes don`t happen overnight. It has taken me a very long time to get where I am and I know I still have far to go. But if you are true to your choices you will see a change (and if not - tweak things, see your doc make sure there isn`t an underlying condition, try another program just don`t give up!!!)

What I Eat: (sorry this is just copy and pasted from a post so it`s not edited)
breakfast is either a piece of ezekiel bread toasted with peanut butter or sugar-free jam and half a grapefruit, or an egg-white omelet with spinach and cheese and blackberries, or quick oats with unsweetened applesauce and sugarfree jam for flavour with berries.
mid-morning i will have 100 grams of plain greek yogurt with a tablespoon of sugar free jam for flavour
lunch is some kind of protein (chicken, tuna, salmon, pork whatever - and i usually precook for the week) with carrots, half a sweet potato baked or left over veg from the night before (i usually cook enough for dinner so i can have leftovers for lunch) and half a grapefruit if i didn't have it in the morning...
mid afternoon is an apple and homemade protein bread if i managed to bake any
dinner is a protein and 2 veg (usually steamed broccoli, asparagus or brussels sprouts) or whole wheat pasta with diced tomatoes that i spruce up for flavour.
for my tuna sandwiches i also switched out mayo for plain greek yogurt, horseradish and dijon mustard - gives it a nice kick, and try to switch out olive oil for coconut oil here possible. there are also a load of eating clean websites but google tosca reno - she breaks it down super easy and i often refer to her eating clean grocery list. and she has lots of simple switches and recipes.

Good Luck!!

A beginning...

It has been suggested that I start blogging. I personally don't think that I have anything of interest to say but if I don't start writing down the things I'm doing on this journey then I may not remember much of it as I continue on.

That girl  up there?? That's me. Or at least it was a few years ago. Double chin...round gut...and oh so happy looking!! I was over 200 lbs. I maxed out at 215 - and would have gotten heavier if I wasn't absolutely appalled by what I saw. Now - let me say that there are some very happy and beautiful plus sized ladies out there - and kudos to them for being confident and beautiful and happy with themselves. If any one person can be happy with how they look I applaud them. But it wasn't just my weight that made me unhappy.  I was in a funk, an unhappy relationship, and stuck in a vortex of negativity. This is  the sort of thing that creeps up on you; the weight, the realization that things just aren't what you thought they would be and one bad picture gets taken and it's like a punch in the soft round flabby gut.

My life needed to change.

I started with the weight. That was something I had the courage to try to change. I joined a Biggest Loser challenge at work. There were 4 of us. There was money on the line...we kept pushing the deadline back, a few times, which was great for me because I had a slow start but I ended up in a tie with one of the other girls. It sparked something in me. I was enjoying the bootcamp I was attending, the ladies that were a part of it, and most importantly I was seeing results. My daughter would often attend with me and sometimes do some of the exercises, and I felt proud to show her that being fit could be fun, and that she was seeing results from my work. Instilling healthy habits in both my kids lives is so important, and I can only hope that they will take something from what we talk about and do at home. The weight slowly started coming off as I was changing my eating habits, working on improving my metabolism and being conscious of what I was putting in my  mouth. I used to think that exercise was the most important thing to weight loss...and argued it vehemently. Well in the beginning I was working out but it wasn't until I changed my eating habits that things started to change. Now I know that nutrition is at least 80% of the weight loss formula...

During this time of working on my outside I was sort of forced to start working on my insides - that happy part of me that I hadn't seen in a while. My boyfriend at the time was leaving on an open ended trip. Without him around (and with the subsequent overseas breakup) I started focusing on things that I enjoyed - aside from the bootcamp and time spent at the gym - I was gardening, I had moved and was getting settled in the new place, spending time outdoors with my kids, camping...learning to do things I had never done before or never done on my own. I was *gasp* HAPPY! For a while anyways...then he came back, it was a confusing and strange time not know where we stood and blah blah blah. I knew I could be happy - I was enjoying the positive thinking and finally I cut the proverbial cord that held us together. Which was a good move for both of us and I am happy that we were both able to do things apart that we couldn't do stuck in our rut together, and I wish him every happiness in his life.

Same girl - same shirt!!


Not long after I ended up in another relationship. A great relationship. Positive and active and someone I could see myself with for the rest of my life. For a while anyways...then things changed and - well to be honest I don't really know what happened but I knew I didn't want to be unhappy with someone again. A very difficult decision to make but I had grown from my previous experience and said goodbye. In a text. I am a horrible human being. But I guess you had to be there to understand why it worked out that way...During the last while of that last relationship, where I wasn't as happy as we had been, that darned weight started creeping up again. I had lost almost 50 lbs by the time I was dating Mr. Z and we were doing a lot of walking and hiking and being active and outdoors and I was at the gym and following a program and eating well. Those times started petering out and it was couch dates with boozy-sugary drinks and while we never ate entirely unhealthily - we weren't the poster-couple of healthy habits either. But I can only blame that on about 20% of the weight gain..I just wasn't doing anything on my own. I let everything slip;  Gym, bootcamp, snacking late at night, poor sleeping habits, drinking more...I needed to find the rest of that girl that I had started to unearth - the happy fit one...

Fastforward 3 months and here I sit in front of my computer,giving you the long version of this journey I am on.  6 weeks into a 12 week fitness program (that I had started once before but - well you read what happened - falling out of habits and whatnot) I feel stronger and more committed than ever before. I am eating clean, not drinking, and in the gym 6 days of the week. I have lost those 10 lbs that I put back on and am leaning out and toning up. I am organized and positive and passionate about my transformation.I have some amazing supportive people in my corner.  I am not "dieting" I am changing my lifestyle. I am inspired, and motivated and excited about what my future will bring. The craziest part for me is that I am inspiring and motivating others. This blows me away more than anything and it is such an emotional thing for me - you guys make me want to work harder.

I do not grieve the old me. I do not miss my old lifestyle. I feel better, I have more energy and I am unstoppable!

I am tired of starting over, so I have stopped giving up.


**edit** fast forward another almost 4 months and I am still at the gym 6 days a week, eating clean, still not drinking, feeling GREAT, down to a size 8 (I was an 18 - EIGHTEEN!!!! when I was at 215) I finished the 12 week program, redid it again starting half way through and am now halfway through a new 6 week program, ran a 5K charity run setting a baseline of 39:00 with another coming up in September, almost halfway through a 30 day ab challenge and starting to put myself and my story out there. I have a lot of work still to do, but 2013 has been an amazing year so far and I can't wait to see what else it will bring me!