So ...You're Not Seeing Results

You spend 5 or 6 days in the gym...you track your macros to the point...you rarely cheat on your diet and yet your weight doesn't change...your measurements don't seem to be moving no matter how hard you work and you're thinking what the heck is going on!? So what really IS going on here...let's assume that you're healthy, you have a perfectly performing thyroid, no crazy genetics working against you (and of course you will have checked all this stuff out with your DR before starting in on a weight loss/training regime, right?? RIGHT??!!) Why aren't your workouts working for you?

I am definitely no expert, but I can share what has worked for me, especially when it comes to plateaus and just not seeing what I want to see as far as progress goes.

Let's start off with the biggest obstacle most people face when trying to lose weight/body fat - being accountable and being HONEST. You can track your macros, (fat/protein/carbs) but you need to account for every. dang. thing you put in your mouth. ERRRRTHAAAAAANG. You can't track just the healthy stuff. If you have a glass of wine or 3 after work, track it. If you are making cupcakes for the kids at school and you're cleaning out the tub of icing with your finger - track it. If you're clearing the table after your dinner and you're snacking on some leftovers (come on we've all done it) TRACK IT. We often overlook a number of calories when tracking our macros if we aren't paying attention to what we are doing. It takes absolutely no time to hit a 3000 calorie day if we are not careful. It requires 100% honesty and attention. If you don't track your macros - or at least your daily calories - you should start - at least until you have a pretty solid idea of what you're eating/when/and what you're dealing with regard calories in vs. calories out. Now, I'm going to be a little blunt here, but if you want to honestly lose weight, like really commit to it, just cut out the crap. 100%  Learn how to eat clean, unprocessed foods and then once you've hit your goal weight or body fat % you can start introducing those "fun" foods back into your diet - in moderation. Including alcohol (I  know - I am NO fun whatsoever)  Cutting out the crap also means cut out the BS excuses you give yourself and others as to why you can't lose weight or workout or take a 20 minute walk every night. And hey, if you want a tray of cupcakes at 3am on a Saturday night - go for it, but don't wake up the next day wondering why your diet or workouts aren't working. If you've followed along with me long enough I'm pretty sure you know I don't like the word DIET. A diet is temporary - I don't know of anyone who wants to lose 15 lbs and then gain it back again, so along with the crap - cut out the word diet and start thinking in terms of lifestyle change - you want to lose the 15 lbs forever. (Or maybe you want to gain 15 lbs - same rules apply just differently).

OK so you say but I do eat well, I track consistently and always meet my macros, I do train regularly and its still not working for me, what now smarty pants? To that I say its time to examine your cals in/out and your training regime. Most people make the mistake of not eating enough to support their goals - our bodies need a certain amount of calories just to lie on the floor and do nothing...so if you're dieting down to 1200 calories a day - your body won't be able to support that sort of lifestyle for long and metabolic damage will start to set in, your body will start holding on to everything that you're putting into it to use as energy to just get through the day (let alone support any workout you're doing) in the form of fat. As an example, I am roughly 160 lbs, my basal metabolic rate (BMR) is somewhere around 2400 calories. So just to rest my body expends 2400 cals a day. Throw some training sessions in there and the number increases. Because I am in fat loss mode, my daily calories in are approximately 1900. So a 500 calorie deficit per day - which should see me lose about a lb a week. (500 calories x 7 days = 3500 calories which is what a lb of fat 'costs') Essentially you want to aim to get 80% of your calorie deficit from nutrition and the other 20% from cardio.

So if you made it through all those numbers, really take a look at your body type and determine what your actual calories in should be (there are different BMR or TDEE calculators out there on the interwebs) and adjust them as necessary. And no need to go crazy - adjust maybe by 200-300 calories for a few weeks and see what happens - if you're seeing action, great keep it up! If you're still not seeing any movement try another hundred or two - but keep it safe! I wouldn't suggest over 500 or 600 from your BMR because remember you don't want to put your body into starvation mode! You can track your macros by protein fats and carbs, but since I went plant based, my carbs shot up and my protein went down but I have found that as long as my calories are bang on I am seeing results. So don't get too hung up on the particulars if you're eating clean, whole, unprocessed foods your individual macros won't matter too much (come at me, broscience!)

Regarding your nutrition, another factor that comes into play is what you're eating when. If you want to burn fat either do your cardio fasted (i.e first thing in the morning) or at the end of your weight training. If you're doing your cardio fasted, fat stores will be called upon to give your body the energy it needs to get through. If you go for a run or hit the gym for cardio after dinner say, your body is going to use up the glycogen it has stored away from your meal, as opposed to the fat stored. If you weight train, do your cardio afterwards - the glycogen has burned away through the hour or so of weights and your post-weights cardio will rely on those fat stores. Follow up your cardio session with some good carbs to make that burn last and give you a quick boost of energy. I know I've focused on HIIT training over steady state cardio so I won't go into too much detail here but aim for those high intensity intervals, and try and get 3 good cardio sessions in per week. An added boost of cardio on your training days can come from active rest periods. Instead of 60-90 seconds of rest, try and use that time for some plyometrics (mountain climbers, jumping jacks, jumping rope, burpees *shudder* high knees etc) and move right into your next set.

If you are new to weight training you can start with full body circuits for the first 30 days or so to get things started, but after that I would highly suggest a training split that would focus on particular body parts to really start building and toning some lean muscle. You all know I follow different programs from BBCom that will last anywhere from 4-12 and sometimes 16 weeks...my goals change between muscle building and losing body fat - and sometimes trying to do both at once - but I never do one thing for too long. This allows the muscles to keep from getting used to the same movements week in and week out and even within one program there are often lots of different changes happening. Circuits also don't allow much time to hit each different part of a muscle group to get a well-rounded symmetry. But focus maybe one workout on maybe back and biceps, and you can hit upper, mid, lower back, lats, and both the long and short head of the biceps. For your next session, focus on chest and triceps for balance. Personally I like being in the gym as much as I can so I do a 5 day split with 2 days rest from lifting, but on those "rest" days I am trying to get additional cardio in. Right now I am 5k training with the Couch to 5K running app at least 3 times a week and also doing a 30 day Yoga Challenge so my "active rest" is pretty fairly covered. If I am in pure muscle gaining mode I don't do any cardio. After my 5K is done I will go back to 3 days of cardio sessions per week.

So like I said at the beginning, I am no expert, these are just things that have worked for me, and I always go back to when I hit a wall. The most important thing is to make sure any changes you're making are done smartly with your overall health as the number one priority. It is also important to remember that changes don't happen overnight so give any change you make a good 3-4 weeks to start working. In the meantime, cut yourself some slack, if you're dedicated to the change, and you're being honest and accountable it *will* happen, it may just take some tweaking. Everyone is different and different things work for each of us in a different way.

You are a beautiful human being - let that be your mantra as you continue on your journey to a healthier you.

Work Hard. Do Good. Be Honest.

I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation lately...some spring cleaning of the self if you will. I am trying to learn to live in absolute truth with myself and others, as well as with a higher level of ethic responsibility than I have been used to. These are both very difficult tasks, and no easy undertaking. I am only at the very tip of either with a very long way to go to achieve both. I have been feeling that maybe I haven't been honest with myself about what I want in life and what sort of person I want to be. My goals are very clearly laid out and have not wavered in the last 2 and almost half years; continue to build my physique in order to compete, go back to school for nutrition, and very simply - help people. But am I holding myself back from meeting these goals? In light of my choice to live in absolute truth I would have to say that yes - I am my own obstacle. I am at the gym faithfully - almost every single day - but do I push myself hard enough? No. I can work harder. I log my food most days, and hit my caloric requirements maybe a little less often but still fairly frequently - but do I eat optimally to make sure I am getting the best nutrition for my fitness goals, and more importantly am I feeding my family good, whole unprocessed food that has come to our table in the most ethical and humane way? No. I can work harder. I know exactly what courses I want to take at what institute but have I saved up the money to apply or taken any steps in getting to that point? No. I can work harder.

I Can Work Harder

But why would I want to work harder? I have a good life. I've lost some weight, gained a bit of muscle, we eat pretty healthy most days (girl scout cookie binges this week notwithstanding - thank you Kelly) I have a job that pays OK and gets us by that I could stay in for the rest of my life,  so why work any more than I have to? Why look for a second job that will only take time away from my family and put the burden on them to cover for me when I'm not around, and when I do have one and can afford school then spend all my free time that I do have studying?  Why push my body to exhaustion on a daily basis to achieve a look that most people get grossed out by and more still don't understand? Only then to stand on a stage - in a bikini no less!!! - and be judged by strangers? Some days I can honestly say that I have no idea...it would be so much easier to give up my dreams than to chase them...wouldn't it? Could I live every day knowing that I just gave up? Chickened out? Failed myself? Didn't even give myself the chance to see if I could make something of myself with something that I love to do?

We will never know what we are capable of if we don't try. We need to arm ourselves with as much knowledge as we can, surround ourselves with people who can help guide us in our adventures, and above all be honest with ourselves about what we are doing, WHY we are doing it, and what we want to get out of it in the end. Probably the hardest part to be honest about is why something isn't working for us! We need to hold ourselves accountable for both the good and the bad - we can't just take the credit when something is going right, we need to take responsibility for what is going wrong too.  If you want to lose weight, and you go to the gym a few times a week, eat pretty healthy, then binge eat or drink on the weekend because hey - its the weekend and I'll be at the gym again on Monday, I've "earned" a weekend off and then wonder why the weight isn't coming off, you need to look at your behaviour and understand it isn't the program, it isn't anything else but the lack of effort you are putting into it. I've been there! I am there almost every freaking day!! Especially with Girl Scout cookies in the house!! (just one box left...tucked away...hidden from view...out of sight out of mind).

This isn't just about weight loss either. This is something we need to do - *I* need to do - in every aspect of our lives. I can try and fool myself into thinking something is working in line with the life I want to lead - but deep down I will know if it is right or not. I will fail and fall back into old habits - and often do - or lose sight once in a while of where I am going, but if I am honest with myself I will always end up back on the path I was meant to walk. When these things happen, they are not cause for quitting, but rather a chance for me to say "I can work harder".

And I will.

Food Prep

Alright folks, so I've had some people ask for a blog on the hows, whats and whys of food prep. I'm going to try to break it down to show you just how easy it can be, and how you don't really need to spend hours in the kitchen to get easy, healthy meals for the week. The advantage of preparing your food in advance is always knowing what you're going to eat, and having food readily available which should help you to stop binging, grazing, or snacking on things that may be a little less healthy. It also saves you a ton of money if you're going out to eat every day, and it is a HUGE time saver in the morning (or the night before) if you're like me and hate making lunches. Also, if you're counting your macros (calories, protein, carbs and fat) you can have everything measured out and ready to go ahead of time so you're not stuck at the end of the day trying to fit x-grams of protein into your daily goal while maintaining y-grams of carbs and so on.

The one thing about food prep is you have to be prepared to eat a lot of the same thing every day, which I know doesn't appeal to some, but when you consider food to be the fuel your body needs to get through the day it makes it a little easier to get down. Not to mention, it makes the special meals that much more...special. If you are serious about trying to eat healthier, spend less cash doing so, and losing weight (or body fat depending on your goals - and yes there is a difference) and you don't have endless amounts of hours in the day to whip up super meals (and really who does?) eating pre-prepped meals 5 times a week is a small sacrifice to make.

Sundays are typically my food prep day. This is the day I dedicate to all things domestic; laundry, groceries, food prep and cooking an actual sit down meal for the 3 of us. Aside from the fact that it means Monday is up next, I actually don't mind Sundays and at the end of it I feel like I've had a productive day that ultimately makes the upcoming week that much easier.

When I prep food for the week it is usually only my lunches for the week and possibly a second meal or snack through the day. But like most of you, I am thinking about my other meals as well in order to come up with a grocery list for the week. One of the tips I read recently in The Forks Over Knives Plan (which I highly suggest reading btw) is to come up with a meal plan for the week on a sheet of paper, or an excel spreadsheet, and on one side have the meals you plan to make, and on the other side a list of the groceries you need to make these meals. Switch it up every week and in a month or so you will have 4 different meal plans - already laid out with corresponding grocery lists. I LOVE this idea and while I'm definitely not there yet, I did make this weeks list according to recipes that used similar ingredients so I wasn't over-buying. You will no doubt have a system that works for you but if not, try this one out. I am famous for making lists and not adhering to them, or leaving the grocery store without getting key ingredients for something I had planned to make - you think I'm kidding? Emily at No-Frills knows now to ask me if I remembered everything.

So what is it that I make and eat ALL WEEK LONG...Based on the Forks Over Knives plan I have been transitioning to a plant-based lifestyle but I can share pre- and a little bit of post- switch-up meals with you - its only been a couple of weeks going plant based so I'm still figuring stuff out but the basics are the same whether you're a meat eater or the most hardcore of vegans.  My go-to meals through the week would be as follows:

Breakfast (post workout)

• scrambled eggwhites, slice ezekiel bread and maybe some fruit, or some avocado, rice or ground chicken/turkey if I had any left over from the weeks prep, spinach, veggies etc. 
• Plant-based option - 1/3 cup overnight oats and half a grapefruit. The extra carbs here feed the workout and keep me full until meal 2

Meal 2 (mid-morning)

• 1/3 cup of oats with a scoop of protein powder (thrown together in the morning unless I had abundant tupperware available which started dwindling when my daughter started prepping her own lunches)  When I was eating an abundance of dairy I was having greek yogurt with no sugar added instead of the oatmeal - which I would often do a few days worth at a time
• Plant-based - veggies and hummus (garlic breath in the morning - lovely!!)

Meal 3 (lunch!)

• 4 oz chicken breast, 1 cup steamed broccoli, 1/2 sweet potato (or ground chicken/turkey, rice, asparagus, brussels sprouts etc)
• Plant-based - baked tofu, 1/2 sweet potato and quinoa salad, or lentils and rice, and some fruit or applesauce

Meal 4 (mid-afternoon)

• Usually by this time I am pretty full but a protein shake or oatmeal (if I didn't eat any at meal 2) or fruit

Meal 5 (dinner)

• Since we have a small family we do a lot of leftovers - I can cook a full meal and it will last us 2+ days (usually 2 nights of dinners and maybe a lunch for me or the kids) 

Some people prep all their meals every day - this level of prep is something I aspire to but for now  doing my lunches and having a meal plan through the week for the rest of my meals relieves me of a ton of stress, and because of what a lot of what is being done is through batch cooking it does save money as well. Buy your oats, rice, quinoa, lentils all in bulk. Many fruits and veggies can be purchased fresh on sale and then frozen. (Grab a head of cabbage, shred it and throw it in the freezer). When I was buying meat I would get 4 packs of ground turkey at Costco, or chicken breast that was already filleted if boneless/skinless wasn't on sale. Costco is also good for yogurt and eggwhites.

   

photo courtesy of www.kimtoslim.com

On my Sunday afternoons, after doing my groceries, the prep begins. I usually start with preparing what I need to get dinner on the go, and while that is cooking  I do the rest of my prep, and finish up after dinner when the kids are getting ready for the start of the school week. Broccoli is steamed, rice or lentils can be left cooking on the stove while we eat dinner. Once the oven is free, the chicken can be done. I normally would drizzle with olive oil, add garlic salt and dried basil and bake for 25-45 mins at 375 degrees (depending on if it was filleted or full breast). If I had asparagus I would lay that over the chicken and bake at the same time. If I had ground chicken or turkey I would brown it with the garlic salt and basil, and occasionally add dijon mustard. For my macro goals I was usually able to split a breast in half after it was baked per meal, or a package of ground meat would cover me for 3 meals - this of course would vary depending on what your personal macro goal is. Sweet potatoes are done in the microwave every couple of days (less time than if I baked them)  I find that if I'm already in dinner mode it doesn't seem like an extra chore to do more. If you're making a batch of pancakes for breakfast, make some extra and freeze them! They heat up nice for a quick and easy breakfast to-go. Hard boiled eggs, salads, edamame, roasted chickpeas, hummus, guacamole, chopped vegetables, fruit....so many options to make in bulk and have ready to go in the fridge! You can pre-slice cheese, open a bag of pretzels and separate servings into baggies, divvy up pretty much anything that can be divvied! And don`t even get me started on the things you can do on the bbq! You can batch grill veggies, do a whack of chicken, portabello mushrooms, beef, turkey, chicken, bean or quinoa burgers - the list is endless!
 
Here are a few additional recipes I`ve mentioned to get you going:

Beanoa Salad
Cook 1 cup of dry quinoa and set aside to cool (I put it in the fridge while I am making the rest of the salad)
Combine 1 can black beans, a couple celery stalks - diced, a red pepper - diced, 2 green onions - diced, 1 clove of garlic - diced, a handful of cilantro - chopped. Add 1 tbs extra virgin olive oil, 2 tbs lime juice (i use a bit more) 1 or more tbs chili powder and a half tsp salt. Mix it with the quinoa and let it sit in the fridge overnight to absorb all the flavours. This salad will last me all week at a half to full cup serving.

Baked Tofu
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
1 (or more) packages of extra firm tofu sliced into 1 cm-ish slices (i like mine a bit thicker and 2 pkgs last me 5 days)
Marinate tofu in sauce of choice - I use a couple tbs of olive oil, honey, dijon mustard and garlic salt all to taste but bbq sauce is delish too! I let it sit for about a half hour and then put in the oven for 20 minutes. Flip the tofu, add the sauce to the new side and bake an additional 20 minutes.

Overnight Oats (this one has a million different combinations - put whatever you want in it)
add 1 third cup of quick oats (or oats of choice), enough milk of choice - I use almond, my daughter uses soy - to cover oats, blueberries and a sprinkling of chia seeds to a bowl and let sit overnight. I add a drizzle of honey in the morning and eat cold but you can warm it up in the microwave if the thought of eating cold oats eeks you out.

Protein Pancakes (the complicated way)
half cup oats, one third cup egg whites, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder, 1 tbs flax seed, 1tbs greek yogurt, 1tsp vanilla extract, blueberries 

Protein Pancakes (the easy less fancy reckless way)
one third cup oats, eggwhites to moisten, 1 scoop protein powder, unsweetened applesauce for added moisture or maybe a little milk of choice - mix and hope for the best (I haven`t been disappointed yet)

So hopefully that has helped a little bit and as always if you have questions feel free to get in touch with me! Happy Prepping!

blow out the candles

This weekend marks my 38th birthday and our Canadian Thanksgiving. What better time to reflect on where I am in my life and the things in it that I am thankful for.  Now, I am not one to really make much of a fuss about my birthday...but this year is a tad different. I'm still not making a fuss about it but it does have some significance to my journey on a whole...It means I have 2 years to make my goals of competing in a fitness competition (that seems redundant?) by the time I am 40 happen. One of the great things about fitness competitions is that 40 is actually not a stretch age wise by any means. I have 2 years to continue learning and applying the knowledge to my training to dial in my physique naturally, research coaches, learn posing, and make the changes to my diet (as well as training) in a safe and healthy way so that I am not damaging my metabolism, or otherwise harming my body.   Two years seems like a long time but to change your body safely, naturally and effectively time is your best ally. Not to mention 2 years is the end time. If I am ready before that it could happen before that. But it *will* happen by 40. So you can see that I have no issue getting older. I am so much better now than I was 5-10 years ago, and in such a better place mentally, physically and emotionally I can only hope that the upswing continues - and I will do what I can to assist that. I don't miss the partying or excessive drinking to ring in my birthday. Presents are nice and I am grateful for the kindness of my people but I really just like spending time with them - which is especially easy with the proximity of Thanksgiving which brings us to the Top Five Things I Am Thankful For!! (who doesn't love a good Top Five list?

1) It would be easy to say my family and leave it at that. But it's more than just my family. I am thankful for my parents for always supporting me, regardless of the decisions I've made through my lifetime. They allowed me to make my mistakes no matter how painful or frustrating it was to watch, which allowed me to learn and grow and get to this wonderful place I am at today. Still much to learn, but I know they have given me the tools to use the knowledge that comes with the lessons. My brother and sister, for being my bookends; an older sister who maybe didn't carve a path so much for me (hard to do when you're me and insist on going the long route) but was there none the less to bring me back to the main road, and my younger brother for being my protector, from a young age sleeping on his bedroom floor after the haunted house at Prudhommes scared me too much to sleep alone, to present day.  I have many aunts and uncles, cousins, second cousins and my dear inlaws (Meaghans dads family) who have shown so much love and support to me and the kids. I could really write an entire book on how much every individual means to me. Maybe one day.

2) Yes my kids get a separate bullet. My son changed my life. As a misguided girl in a bad relationship, he gave me the strength to admit I needed help and to go back to my parents and  start putting my life together. From day one we have been a team. He has grown into a young man I am incredibly proud of that I continue to learn from and we are constantly evolving as a family unit. My daughter completed our little family group. She has always been independent, but it has been a conscious effort to be mindful of the lessons we should be passing on to our daughters so that they grow up to be strong and confident. She changes every day and I can see those changes, whereas with my son every once in a while I get surprised by his maturity. I am happy and thankful that I can be both friends and a parent to both of my children.

3)  I am thankful for being given the opportunity to learn what my body can do and what I am capable of. After years of not really caring about what I was putting into it, and not using it to even a reasonable extent I have finally learned to appreciate what it can do and how it works in relation to how I fuel it. It has given me something I am passionate about and I love sharing with others. The motivation and  inspiration I have received from so many people has further incensed that drive and for the first time I feel like I have direction. (now i just need the funds to go in that direction ha ha)

4) My ladies most specifically, and my friends in general. I know I am pretty much a hermit but they are my link to the outside world. They forgive my absence and they keep me in the loop. The people who message me on a daily basis and bear with me through my rants, raves, and ridiculousness and those who touch base every few months or so. The ones who lift me up and bring me back down to Earth.

5) I am thankful for everyone who has challenged me, because when I have faced a challenge I have retaliated with change. I have learned about myself from the obstacles that I have overcome. My feelings have been hurt, my trust broken, I've been made to question my own self worth. From that my skin has grown thick, my senses sharpened, and I've discovered that regardless of what anyone thinks of me, I am unapologetically  ME. I even make up new words from time to time - like unapologetically.  If I am true to myself, and if I am good to people, even on the days where I may not be at my best, I am still the best me.  

There are many more things I am thankful for; the roof over our heads, the beauty of the changing leaves on the trees, beards, and Bapas Burritos to name a few, but those are my top five...take a few minutes this holiday weekend (yes you too 'Merica) to think about your own, and not just what they are but why they are. And regardless of what number you are celebrating on your next birthday, strive to make that year better than the last...that is what I am going to do.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends and family, and a Happy Columbus Day to my American buds.

sometimes speaking from the heart is the easiest hard thing to do.

Today was the 6th anniversary of the Children's Advocacy Center here in St. Catharines...sorry - make that the Kristen French Children's Advocacy Center - as today not only were they celebrating a birthday, but also a name change...a pretty important one in my eyes. If you aren't familiar with what they do I copied this from their webpage: "the Centre serves Niagara’s 12 municipalities, helping children and families cope with the life altering impact of child abuse. CACN’s partners are Niagara Regional Police Service, Family and Children’s Services Niagara, Family Counselling Centre Niagara and medical professionals."  It is the first dedicated facility of its kind in Canada and it has served thousands of children in the Niagara Region since it first opened its doors. I had the very special honour of being one of the speakers at todays event, having been a close friend of Kristen's in highschool. She was my best friend and I still love her dearly. 

When I originally started thinking about what I wanted to say it was hard; not emotionally, I have always been open to speaking about Kristen...but more so because I didn't quite see the connection at first - aside from the obvious contributions from the French Family on the original committee when the center opened.  As I thought more about what I wanted to say, and started putting words on paper, in particular one thought that kept rolling around in my head it became clear to me that this name change made perfect sense. Bear with me and I will try to get it out....The center is a place for children to come to feel safe, to share what happened with the people who are trained to help put these kids lives back together after unspeakable abuse, victimization, or witness to these things. As a parent, we do everything we can to keep our kids safe - or we are supposed to anyways. At some point we need to let them go to spread their wings - we let them walk home from school, ride their bike around the block, head out with friends for the evening, even just having a play date with a friend is part of that letting go. We arm them with the tools to make the right decisions - we hope - and trust them that they will do so. No matter how hard we try, or how well we teach them, bad things sometimes happen. We could not keep Kristen safe from physical harm. Not me, or any of her other friends, her devoted boyfriend, or her very close-knit and loving family. That is something that the people closest to her no doubt go over again and again again - the what ifs - I know because I still think about it almost every day. But what Kristen did have was unwavering strength, and faith. Her spirit was unbreakable and even if we can't keep the kids who come through the center doors safe from physical harm, her name will serve as a reminder to build their spirit up to give them the tools to cope, heal and move forward. That there even needs to be a center like this is heartbreaking...how can anyone hurt a child...but we are so lucky that we have this service and I truly believe it is making a difference in many lives. I am going to include what I had written for today's ceremony:

 When we were kids, we were immortal. We would live forever and nothing bad could touch us. In all the conversations we had about our futures, even our most whispered and intimate, the possibility of either of us not making it past highschool never entered our minds. I didn't realize until I was older that the idea or the truth of immortality lies in what we leave behind -  not in how long we live. It is because of the memories, the people who knew her, and the community who embraced her as their own, that Kristen will live forever.

Kristen's name is synonymous with the idea of community. We all know it takes a village to raise a child, and our village came together when we lost one of our own. 

Kristen's name is synonymous with serenity, as it graces various peaceful settings throughout the city, from her memorial bench in Port Dalhousie, to the Green Ribbon Trail, and her monument in Jaycee Gardens.

Now Kristen's name will be synonymous with the feeling of safety. For the countless children who are helped by the advocacy center each year, may her name be one they think of in troubled times, as a place they can come to find peace. I know that for myself, I have never stopped calling on her when I need advice, or just to feel comfort from one of  my dearest friends. 

We know that by all accounts, Kristen never stopped fighting. No one could touch the one thing that made her uniquely  - her - and that was her spirit. It is this part of her that lives on even though she is no longer with us in body. Having her name on this building is a reminder to every child who comes through its' doors that they too have one thing that they get to keep, that cannot be broken or taken away. 

I know Kristen would accept this honour with great humility and grace. Thank you for allowing me to share in that honour on her behalf.


It truly was a great honour being a part of the ceremony today. Being amongst her family, who have always made me feel a part of them, speaking to people who saw a need in the community and made something wonderful happen, and mostly just remembering. We don't ever get over something like this, but we do process it differently as we get older. The grief matures but never fades - it becomes a part of us. My life was changed not for what happened to Kristen, but from knowing her. <3

If you would like to make a donation to the Kristen French Advocacy Center, or volunteer please visit their website here. If you know of or suspect a child is being abused please call 911 if the child is in imminent danger or go here to make a report. 

deal with rejection

I have been toying with the idea of this blog for a couple of weeks ... things I want to say pop into my head and stick around - or they don't - and that's when I figure it's time to write a blog - or not. I want to talk about rejection.  Over the last several months I have been looking for a part time (or better full time) job ... sometimes the search is a little more serious than other times but it's always there. I am lucky I have a full time job that pays pretty well and have some great perks so I don't feel a huge pressure to find something else, but I know for what I want to do (aside from pay bills and keep my house/car etc) I need an additional income. Gone are the old days of printing up a bunch of resumes, pounding the pavement and doing the follow up phone calls...nowadays its all online, don't call us we will call you, come to our job fair....that sort of thing. I can't say I blame anyone for the way the things are, with the unemployment in this area being what it is, I am sure an automated application system is easiest. But it cuts down that first point of contact where you can introduce yourself, give people an idea of who you are and maybe even have the chance to stand out amongst a hundred other applicants. "Oh yeah - I remember that girl....she had a great handshake and super eye contact when she spoke" ... and believe me these things DO stand out! From my days at the record store I can still recall certain people dropping off resumes and the impressions they made. For all of the resumes I have put out, I have heard back from two - TWO - companies with the same response "Thank you for your interest in our company but you don't fit the bill...even with your extensive retail experience, apparent passion for customer service and just general skill over all we are going to go in a different direction...." and hey you know what? That's cool; between job hunting and dating (and let me tell you how similar THOSE two things are - right down to its all done online!!!) I have come to realize that I am not everybody's cup of tea. But every once in a while I get that nagging voice in the back of my head saying "you are no ones cup of tea...you are never going to go any further than where you are right this very second, and as for a life partner? HA! Time for another cat, lady."  Those days I will admit that I feel kind of down....but I know its not true. I know I can change my game plan and get a professional resume done and "professionally" search for a job. I know I will maybe perhaps meet someone randomly in the grocery store or walking down the street (and not from an online profile) who wants to stick around for a little  more than ... well y'know ... but its those days with that voice that really mess with your head.  So why do I keep trying.... why do I hold on to this hope that things will change, and why do I believe that I am destined to be more than what I am at this very moment? Why after all the rejection and listening to that voice tell me I'm not good enough do I get up every day and do it all again? Maybe it's because I *am* lucky enough to have a job so I find comfort in the fact that I was at least good enough to get this one...maybe because I have felt love - or something like it - in the past. Maybe if I didn't have these things I would be more cynical, or maybe if I didn't have them I would be more driven...But I think what keeps me going is the knowledge that I am not done yet. In all the steps I have taken in my life this is just another foot strike on the ground. As long as I am moving forward in something I am doing well. As long as I can keep being thankful for what I do have it will help me to work for what I still want...So the rejection isn't really rejection after all. It is merely another piece of the puzzle, another twist of the path, another reminder that my journey continues. I could be philosophical and say it's just not my time yet, or that the universe has something else in store for me besides a part time retail job and maybe that is all true also - who knows how these things really work. Until I know for sure I will not let that nagging voice get the best of me. I will continue to put myself out there - on so many levels - and appreciate what comes back to me in the form of growth and learning my self worth.

the over-sexualization of the fitness world...

Ok so this is stemming from a post I made over on facebook - actually a couple posts - that seem to have started a bit of a discussion...not a huge one mind you but enough that I feel I need to set my view straight. A few days ago I shared a blog by Tosca Reno that you can read here about the pornographic nature of fitness and physique models; a sentiment shared by a few of my mentors in the bodybuilding (for lack of a better term as it is more encompassing than just bodybuilding) industry, like Ashley Conrad and Amber Dodzweit of Clutch Bodyshop. Basically the idea is that there is little difference these days between fitness models and porn models, minus a little muscle and perhaps some exposed genitalia, and how it has become an industry norm to bare nearly all to sell a product. This in turn makes it near impossible for up and coming athletes to not only be taken seriously but to get any where in the game should they choose not to wiggle their glutes in front of the camera. Read the blogs - the above mentioned ladies say it so much better and - oh yeah - they've lived it so its coming from experienced vets in the biz...

Yesterday, I posted a list of the 35 most eligible bachelors in fitness as seen on spotmegirl.com which you can find here and I was pretty much called out for being a hypocrite (not that any of my lady friends were complaining) which is why I feel the need to respond with this blog...so here we go...sorry if I ramble...

There is a lot of skin in the physique business.... like... a lot ... bodybuilding/fitness/physique/bikini/boardshort competitions - male AND female - require the majority of the competitors physique to be visible. Duh, right? Same goes for selling products and services that cater to the transformation of ones body. Even competitive sports have their sport-appropriate attire. Google fitness models and you can see the glaring difference between whats appropriate and what borders on the pornographic. Don't show me a sweaty jacked lady in the gym wearing a thong and a strip no thicker than the jump rope in her hand covering her ridiculously ample (fake) breasts because I can assure you - she did not just jump that rope. Not to leave the fellas out of this argument either - same goes for the equally as sweaty jacked dude in the banana hammock (stuffed) sitting on the bench  surrounded by weights.What are you selling me??  I am far more inspired by a man or woman WORKING in the gym - mid rep - dressed for the workout.

I posted the list of men because
a) one of my fb and bbcom friends made the list which is awesome.
b) I like and appreciate the male (and female) form (and I do not differentiate between the 2 when it comes to bodybuilding and fitness) and know how much hard work it takes to get to where these people are
c) the majority of the images on the list actually are not scantily clad - in fact some of the names don't even have pictures! Since dudes have been shirtless since the dawn of time there is nothing wrong or overtly sexual with this!! (now throw some topless women in there and all of a sudden its a sex thing which is totally not right or fair)

I don't believe this list is sexualizing men at all. I opened it up to men and women to enjoy, many of my friends are into fitness and bodybuilding, and many more appreciate attractive fit men. This is not sexualizing or objectifying anyone. The fact that  it is a list of "eligible bachelors" isn't even a sexual concept as the definition of the word bachelor itself is simply:

bach·e·lor

ˈbaCH(ə)lər/

noun

noun: bachelor; plural noun: bachelors

1.

a man who is not and has never been married.

"Mark is a confirmed bachelor"

 

See? And to that point some of these guys probably have been or are in very committed relationships so maybe the list should have been titled '35 Guys we Admire in the Fitness Industry Because Well We Know They Work Hard at What They Do and They Seem Pretty Ok by Us'

I can appreciate the human form but we have turned it into something completely opposite of what the human body should be! We are MACHINES! We can do amazing things with our bodies and we are losing that to inactivity, unattainable societal standards of what we should look like, body shaming, and the objectification of who society thinks we should be sexually. I have boobs but that doesn't mean I need to bare them for attention and to get me places. As women I think the majority of us do get caught up in the "hey look what I can do" at least once or twice in our lives when it comes to using our sexuality - which doesn't make it right but we do need to find our place in the world as we grow into the different phases of our lives. I can't speak for men and it would be a bit of a different argument but I would think there is the same use of power as they find themselves as well...can anyone speak to this?

When I am in the gym I am there to work. I do not do my make up. I do not do my hair aside from throwing it in a messy ponytail to keep it out of the way. Most times I have not shaved my legs. I brush my teeth only because I practice good oral hygiene. I can't even say that I always have clean clothes on. (aside from my underwear b/c I was taught at a young age to always have clean underwear on in case I am ever in an accident...thanks mom) But the work I do shines through the dirty tshirt, the baggy sweats, the hat pulled low because THAT is what I am selling. My hard work. I will not sell myself out for a contract or a sponsorship if they tell me to get naked beyond what *I* want to sell.  And if I end up on some list of '35 Ladies we Admire in the Fitness Industry Because Well We Know They Work Hard at What They Do and They Seem Pretty Ok by Us' then I know I'm doing ok, and if not, I know I'm still doing ok by me.

so really....can you tell  me there is no difference?