I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation lately...some spring cleaning of the self if you will. I am trying to learn to live in absolute truth with myself and others, as well as with a higher level of ethic responsibility than I have been used to. These are both very difficult tasks, and no easy undertaking. I am only at the very tip of either with a very long way to go to achieve both. I have been feeling that maybe I haven't been honest with myself about what I want in life and what sort of person I want to be. My goals are very clearly laid out and have not wavered in the last 2 and almost half years; continue to build my physique in order to compete, go back to school for nutrition, and very simply - help people. But am I holding myself back from meeting these goals? In light of my choice to live in absolute truth I would have to say that yes - I am my own obstacle. I am at the gym faithfully - almost every single day - but do I push myself hard enough? No. I can work harder. I log my food most days, and hit my caloric requirements maybe a little less often but still fairly frequently - but do I eat optimally to make sure I am getting the best nutrition for my fitness goals, and more importantly am I feeding my family good, whole unprocessed food that has come to our table in the most ethical and humane way? No. I can work harder. I know exactly what courses I want to take at what institute but have I saved up the money to apply or taken any steps in getting to that point? No. I can work harder.
I Can Work Harder
But why would I want to work harder? I have a good life. I've lost some weight, gained a bit of muscle, we eat pretty healthy most days (girl scout cookie binges this week notwithstanding - thank you Kelly) I have a job that pays OK and gets us by that I could stay in for the rest of my life, so why work any more than I have to? Why look for a second job that will only take time away from my family and put the burden on them to cover for me when I'm not around, and when I do have one and can afford school then spend all my free time that I do have studying? Why push my body to exhaustion on a daily basis to achieve a look that most people get grossed out by and more still don't understand? Only then to stand on a stage - in a bikini no less!!! - and be judged by strangers? Some days I can honestly say that I have no idea...it would be so much easier to give up my dreams than to chase them...wouldn't it? Could I live every day knowing that I just gave up? Chickened out? Failed myself? Didn't even give myself the chance to see if I could make something of myself with something that I love to do?
We will never know what we are capable of if we don't try. We need to arm ourselves with as much knowledge as we can, surround ourselves with people who can help guide us in our adventures, and above all be honest with ourselves about what we are doing, WHY we are doing it, and what we want to get out of it in the end. Probably the hardest part to be honest about is why something isn't working for us! We need to hold ourselves accountable for both the good and the bad - we can't just take the credit when something is going right, we need to take responsibility for what is going wrong too. If you want to lose weight, and you go to the gym a few times a week, eat pretty healthy, then binge eat or drink on the weekend because hey - its the weekend and I'll be at the gym again on Monday, I've "earned" a weekend off and then wonder why the weight isn't coming off, you need to look at your behaviour and understand it isn't the program, it isn't anything else but the lack of effort you are putting into it. I've been there! I am there almost every freaking day!! Especially with Girl Scout cookies in the house!! (just one box left...tucked away...hidden from view...out of sight out of mind).
This isn't just about weight loss either. This is something we need to do - *I* need to do - in every aspect of our lives. I can try and fool myself into thinking something is working in line with the life I want to lead - but deep down I will know if it is right or not. I will fail and fall back into old habits - and often do - or lose sight once in a while of where I am going, but if I am honest with myself I will always end up back on the path I was meant to walk. When these things happen, they are not cause for quitting, but rather a chance for me to say "I can work harder".
And I will.
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