Recharge

I have a confession to make...and it is actually kind of hard for me to admit but it needs to be said...

My motivation is lacking.

There! I said it! It's out in the universe now - I have fed my demon a cookie and now he can digest it while I recharge my batteries.  I really don't know why I'm not feeling the give 'er attitude I've had for so long...the possibilities are as follows:

1) new schedule now that school is out. (ok *my* schedule has stayed the same but the kids are now home from school...doesn't really affect me all that much come to think of it.
2) bored with my new program (seriously at first i loved it but I was used to switching it up every 2 weeks in my last program and this has been the same for THREE WEEKS with no change in sight - but I committed to it and I only have 3 weeks left of it...)
3) I changed my diet up a bit, tweaked the carbs/fat intake and maybe its just not working. The issue here is it really isn't that far off what I was doing before.
4) I haven't been giving myself the proper amount of sleep in the last few weeks. Staying up a little later than I usually do and having a harder time getting up in the morning.
5) The heat. Ok this one is lame. I work in air conditioning, the gym is air conditioned, my house is air conditioned though I don't really use it and the heat doesn't bother me much (unless its high humidity in which case my digestive system gets thrown out of whack - more than it already is...)

So there are my top 5 possibilities for not being as motivated as I have been. All easy fixes. Which leads me to believe its something a little deeper. Maybe this is just a plateau. Maybe I need to deal with some resurfaced feelings about myself and others. Maybe I need to just accept it as it is, reflect on how far I have come and deal with the fact that not everyone can be on 100% of the time.

The good news? I have not sacrificed any gym time or missed any workouts. I have not deviated from my eating. This is what makes me know that I am still in this. I have had a million thoughts of "just one ice cream, whats one cookie, it would be so much easier to grab some takeout, maybe I should just stay in bed today" and I know so many people in the fit-world would say its ok to "cheat" and give in to those cravings. But its not a craving...i don't crave these things...its the convenience when I am not motivated to do much else. So I keep up with the conscious decision making and I fight with myself to get my ass out of bed and to keep at it. Some days I ask myself if I want to do this every day for the rest of my life...live this way...the gym and the food...and I respond with "look at the alternative" so yes - I will live this way to avoid living the way I did before.

I registered for the Run or Dye in the Falls in September and I have committed to this as well. I fell out of training after the Rankin Run and my legs just seem so damned tired all the time...But I will not cheat myself. I will start over from the beginning of the couch to 5k if I have to. I will do this.

I committed to the 30 day ab challenge - and am almost half way through. Its not easy but I am doing it. I committed to keep an eye on spending and have managed that well so far (easy  not to spend when you don't have money ha ha) I just don't feel the fire I felt last week - that I've felt for weeks.  I am still incredibly inspired just not motivated. And I have so many of you to thank for that...keeping me inspired, making changes in your own lives for the better. I effing LOVE that! Not to mention the comments, the thank yous, the compliments...they mean so much more than I can ever express.

I'm sure the motivation will come back. As long as I keep myself in the game I know a spark will catch again and that fire will burn intensely...for now maybe I just need a mental and physical recharge.

Now where did I put those jumper cables....

Another goal - part vanity/part charity...

Something you should know about me: I cannot give blood. This really bums me out because if I could give blood I would do it frequently (or as much as they let you anyways). Why should you know this? Well because if you ever really need it and you ask me and I say "no sorry I can't" it's nothing personal. Its genetics. It has also always sort of bummed me out that wig-makers for cancer patients would not take chemically treated hair. My hair has been chemically altered since my mom used to give us home perms when I was like...4...sad times. And no - I don't have any pictures handy. Its also been pretty much every colour imaginable over the last 20 years... I say "sort of" bummed me out because for the last million years I think  my hair has been short (maybe more like since highschool it just started getting shorter and shorter -I even shaved it at one point a few years back) so donating my hair for wigs was kind of moot. A 'well if they would accept my hair I would grow it out' kind of thing. But they wouldn't so I didn't.

I super loved my short hair but have been trying to grow it out for the last couple of years (yes - years...but then it gets awkward and then I'm like eff this cut it off). I'm not even sure why - once it gets long enough I either throw it back into a pony or up in a clip...it annoys the hell out of me when its down. But this time I am committed. To be honest I was committed before I had this brilliant idea but this will just make it worth it. Pretty long segue huh? Let's shorten it up a bit....I am going to grow my hair long enough to donate to a wig maker for kids/adults with cancer. I'm sure you saw that coming....but the best part is there is now a place in the states who will accept chemically treated hair!! Maybe there has been for a while but I have just heard about it. So sitting by the pool one day I made the decision and brought it up to Meaghan who was all for it. She is also growing her hair out for fun so for either of us its not really a sacrifice.

So sitting by the pool, talking to Meaghan about this we mention it to my mom and she's in too! Then she says we should tell my sister and my niece, aunts,cousins...and it sort of went from there. I'm not sure who is all in at this point, or what the final date will be (at least a year)  - my hair grows kind of slow and  this is where vanity sets in - I want to be able to cut it and it still be longish....But I am so happy to be able to do something more for the amazing folks fighting cancer. It's just hair. But for some people their hair is their crown...mine is just my easel and if something I can do as easily as grow some hair makes a child feel normal, or a woman feel beautiful about herself then why shouldn't I share that?! And maybe if one day they can fix my mutated blood cells then you can be darned sure I'll be donating that too!!

Check out Transitions Studio for natural, chemical free hair products and services and Wigs for Kids for ways to donate!

We Have L-IF-t Off!

What started out as a 12 week fitness challenge has turned into a life-altering series of amazeball moments that I have been so blessed to share with one of my highschool besties...all from 2500 thousand miles away. You may know her from A Racing Heart, if not, check it out...seriously...go now....I'll wait....


Awesome right?! Ok so for the past few months we have sort of thought that this is bigger than just what we were doing for ourselves and spent some time tossing things around...well we took our first step in putting ourselves out there to share our stories and our journeys (similar but so so different) tonight with the launch of IF ... D&E Inspired Fitness and we would super appreciate you stopping in, liking us, supporting us, sharing with us stories of your own journey towards a better life.

We all wonder What IF... We want to make the IF happen!

The Road to Happiness

     I was asked the other day how I was able to 'turn things around'  and be happy. For anyone who  knows me, there was a while where I was cynical, negative and just kind of down more than up. Little wonder the worst of this period of my life coincided with my "fat years". I can't say there was ever really one defining thing that turned me dark so to speak; a combination of relationships, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, financial struggles, and just not really knowing who I was. These things I've struggled with most of my teenage/adult life. My mom likes to say that I did everything the hard way, but hey, I've learned a lot doing it this way and I wouldn't trade any of it because it has gotten me to where I am today. (The funny thing is I don't think anything I have done has been particularly 'hard' and I've always just done what I've needed to do to get by, especially as a single mom. I just do what I have to do. And I have been lucky to always have a great support system and never really know true hardships. I digress...) 
     Over the last couple of years I found myself falling into ruts. In relationships, socially, and with my health. Everything was the same day in and day out and I allowed myself to get drawn into the downward spiral that these ruts created. It happens to everybody; some people recognize it early on and get out before it gets too bad and other people, like me, just go with it and get sucked in. I am a total 'go with the flow' type person, and when the flow went bad - well so did I. Which isn't to say I was a horrible mean person during this period. But it was hard to think positively, love myself, enjoy the good things going on around me. Not to mention it is far easier to be a suckhole than a ray of sunshine.
     So how did I turn it around? Well I am still in the process;  It gets easier but I don't think it will ever be something that has a definitive finish line. Not until perhaps at the end of what I hope is a very long life I can sit back and say "Yes, I was happy. Yes, I had a great life." But how did I get to this point now? I needed to make decisions. I had to choose how I wanted to live my life. I have spoken before on the things I did to start the transformation journey, so I won't go into detail, but the journey has as much to do with my emotional well being as it does the physical. So I made the choice to be happy. I started to distance myself from the people and the things that brought out the negative me. I stopped going out to the same bars, doing the same things, relying on the alcohol to guarantee me a good time (which it never does). It is an incredibly lonely process, separating yourself from what you've known for years. To combat the loneliness, I started focusing on things around my house that I wanted to improve on. The nice weather allowed me time to get out and build my gardens, maintain my yard. It also allowed me to get out on the trails. (I could wander the woods for hours.) I spent more time with my kids and my family. I was sleeping better and enjoying the fruits of my labours. As my body started to change I was learning how to appreciate it from the work I was doing on it, and slowly building confidence. Doing all of this, removing myself from the social ruts, I was able to drastically cut down on the drama in my life. I was focusing on me for the first time in a very long time. I wasn't trying to make anyone else happy, I wasn't trying to fit in to a place where I wasn't ever really 100% comfortable. I was slowly stepping out of a persona that I had created very early on, and reverted back to every time I felt the need to retreat into myself. During all of this my mom got sick and it was a big kick in the ass to remind me how life short can be, and to appreciate everything about it. Now that she is better, I feel like we all benefited from that reminder and we don't take it for granted like we used to. 
     One of the most difficult parts of the change is positive thinking. I still struggle with this but as I mentioned earlier it does get easier. There are days where I need to literally yell at myself (usually in my head - sometimes not) to smarten up and get with the program. If I have self-doubt about how I look I will remind  myself of where I started. If I don't like something I will remind myself how to take the steps to change it. And then take them. I remind myself that others cannot control how I feel or act - only I can do that. I make sure to stay connected to other positive thinkers. Like-minded individuals with the same goals, who are taking the same steps as I am. My Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are littered with motivational posts, fitness groups, quotes and images that remind me I am not alone and that I SO GOT THIS.  I am inspired and motivated by the people who tell me I inspire and motivate them (something I will never take for granted and am so ridiculously grateful for)  I am moved by the people at the gym, the older folks and the heavier set who are there every day going for it. Having this kind of inspiration reminds me every day that the journey I am on is worth every early morning, every unsatisfied craving, every sore muscle and every negative thought that gets beaten down into submission. My self-confidence still suffers and I know how it holds me back from getting involved and putting myself out there, but I also know as I continue the journey this too will improve. I am already miles away from who I was even just months ago.
     I am still cynical about some things. I am still catty. I still have lots of work to do on judging others and myself. I still have my dark moments, and my evil twin still lurks below the surface. But if I had to answer today if I am happy, my answer would be "Yes. I am happy. Yes. I have a great life."

Because I can part 2

As mentioned in my previous blog, I had a bit more I wanted to share about the Rankin Cancer Run. I've waited on posting this one until I could sort of wrap my head around things, and to some maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal...to me it was mindblowing and completely unexpected.

When I started doing the run it was because it was something I could get behind; something I believed could make a difference in our community.  And doing something in honour or memory of someone is always a bit of a lift for the spirit. When we started doing the benefit show it was because it was an easy, fun and entertaining way to raise funds without having to canvas or blatantly ask people for money (never my strong suit). The first year we did the show I didn't think that we would continue it and now with 3 years under our belt I can assure you it is staggering to me that we are going for a fourth. Every year it gets a little bigger, and every year we are able to give more to the Rankin than the year before. Our team has established itself and the people involved all love the day, and we celebrate afterwards with a get together. Its becoming a tradition, and one of my favourite days of the year. Never once did it ever occur to me to do any of this for any sort of recognition or award.

Usually after the Run I stick around until our team has dispersed, and watch some of the awards ceremony. This year, I had shopping to do for our team bbq and left once we were all packed up. It wasn't until the afternoon that some neighbours that had been there for the ceremony told me that I had been one of the 35 recipients of the Mike's Miracles Hero Awards. I was stunned. I didn't know I had been nominated or even that this was a thing you could get.

It is such an honour to get this award but to be honest I still don't get it. I won the award for my fundraising efforts and for the show. First off,  I didn't do any of this alone. It was the combined efforts of my team, my family, our friends and everyone who had a hand in getting this thing off the ground. I would be nothing without everyone else. I don't run alone. I have a team that runs or walks with me and we may cross the finish line at different times, but we do this together, with thousands of other people who are all there for the same reason.

Secondly, what I do is absolutely nothing compared to the people who are out there every day - driving their loved ones to appointments, sitting through chemo sessions, and the nausea and sickness afterwards, the  pain and the long nights, the countless hours spent sitting beside hospital beds, adjusting to the changes cancer brings about with ostomies, mastectomies, lost limbs, or the planning of funerals and learning how to live a new life  when their loved one passes on.

Most importantly though are the people like Mike Vandendool, Nicky Roma, Jason Barron. These kids are the real heroes. Mike wanted to help other kids going through the same thing he did and focused on raising money for a new-release movie room at Mac. Because of the generosity from others through his own journey with cancer, he wanted to pay it forward, and with help from his family they created Mike's Miracles. Mike passed away in 2006 at 12 years old. Mike's Miracles continues to raise money and gets involved with numerous charities. And the movie room? It opened in 2010 at Mac in the Ronald McDonald Family Room. Check out Mike's Miracles

Nick Roma was diagnosed in 2011 with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. In 2012 he acquired a blood infection that resulted in septic shock. Because of this he lost both arms and legs. His amazing family and friends have kept the community updated with Nicks progress, and post videos from time to time of different moments in his rehabilitation. Watch these. Please. You will see the indomitable spirit that Nick has, that he has had from the beginning of his journey, and continues to have during his ongoing chemo treatments. Stay Strong

Jason Barron lost his mom to cancer. His team Bonnie's Battle was the top fundraising community team this year raising over $11,000 for the Run, and has been in the top few teams since they started taking part, just days after his mom passed away. I include him in my list of heroes because it is far too easy to say "poor me" and turn losing a loved one into a selfish thing. He turned it into an extension of Bonnie's fight and he continues to fight for her, and even though he is no longer at St. Francis, it is clear that his school community still stands behind him and every year he and his team stand out amongst the runners. My own son runs for Bonnie's Battle and I could not be more proud that he is involved with the team and aligned with a kid like Jason. A bit of Jason's story

The thing that all three of these kids have in common is that even at the worst point of their lives they have shown strength. Even though Mike is no longer with us, his legacy lives on and continues to give to the kids that he wanted to help. Nick's fight is far from over but every video you will see, every public appearance he makes you will see a smile on his face and know that he will stay strong. And Bonnie's memory is alive and well in her son, and I can imagine that some of the sun we saw last Saturday was the pride she must feel shining down on Jason. There are so many other people like these guys who have done amazing things in light of their circumstances, the list is endless. Until we have found a cure, this is how we beat cancer, by not letting it defeat us.

So maybe you can understand a little of why I feel so undeserving of a Hero award. I wish that every person affected by this disease could get one, because they are the heroes. Like Maryann Edwards (a true angel-on-earth and the Run director) I will look forward to the day that we don't have to have the Rankin Run. Until then I will continue to take part and do what I do, not for award or recognition, but because I can.

I Run Because I Can.

This past weekend I experienced so many positive things I don't think this blog will do it justice. But here goes anyways.

I have been taking part in the Rankin Cancer Run for the last 5 years. The Rankin raises money for cancer research and support that stays 100% in the Niagara Region. When I started, it was in memory of a girl I had known through friends who had just passed away - far too young. I participated on the team that her best friend and family had started. It was a great feeling doing something for someone else, and taking part in an event that is all volunteer driven, and so well organized. I joined the team again the following year, on the same team and involved  my kids.
That fall my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was the type of person who never had more than a bad allergy day; rarely sick, and never made a big deal about anything.  When my mom got sick, our worlds changed. My dad learned to do laundry. Our family -always supportive and close - came together in a way that will forever define the kind of people we are. We band together, we fight, we lean on one another, and we stand against the world and what it throws at us. We could have crumbled. We could have turned our backs. We could have chosen not to fight. This was not something that was going to break us. My mother saw to that. Even in the hospital, during her chemo, during all the trials she endured I did not once see an ounce of weakness in her. We were lucky. She survived, and is cancer free today. The doctors appointments continue, the check ups fewer and further in between. But for me they still carry the possibility of a what if.
The following spring I knew I would take part in the Run, for my mom this time. Our family and close friends came together and we created Connie's Crusaders. We hosted a benefit show, and we all participated in either the 1km or the 5km. Being the team captain was a fulfilling endeavour. I felt like I was finally able to do something for my mom while she fought to beat the disease. If I couldn't do something directly for her, I knew I was able to do something for the community and the services that she, and thousands of other people would be utilizing. Maybe something I was doing would help other members of my family, my kids, even me down the line. NO one is safe from cancer. My moms big message that year was get yourself checked. And it is so true. It is so important to follow up regularly with your family doctor.
This past weekend marked the 3rd year Connie's Crusaders took part in the Run, and we had our third benefit show too. This year though was different for me. In light of the journey I have been on, and considering I have never actually RUN the Rankin as opposed to walking/jogging, I wanted to make sure that this was the year that I ran the whole 5k. I have spent most evenings for the last month following a couch to 5k program. The program is based on a 3 day/wk 8 week running program that increases until the user is running a full 5 km. I didn't have 8 weeks. I had 25 days. Technically I am not even done the program. My last training run had me running for 15 minutes. I had mapped out the route I had been taking and it 2 km shy of the 5 I needed to do. I had come to terms the night before the Run that even if I didn't finish the whole thing, the progress I had made with my running was still something I could be proud of. I was disappointed that I hadn't started training earlier, done it smarter. But even if I matched where I was at in the program I would still pat myself on the back.
I set out with my brother and my friend. The friend soon disappeared into the throng of people ahead of us  and my brother slowly crept ahead of me. My pace was slow but steady, and I was focusing on my breathing and navigating my way through the crowd. Instead of being disappointed that people were passing me, I was inspired reading the team names on the back of their shirts. So many people affected by this disease in all its varying forms. I was inspired by the young kids running. The mothers pushing babies and the older seasoned athletes pushing through. Inspired by the firefighters running in full gear, tanks included. Inspired by the thousands of people all united for one single cause. At the half way point I started pushing myself. "You're halfway there...you can do this...you can see the bridge in the distance - the finish line is right before that bridge"  At the 4km mark I started getting emotional. I was doing this. I knew I could push out the last kilometer. There was no way I was going to let myself quit this close. Right near the end I saw Mary Ann - the Run director. She is the sweetest most amazing woman and again I choked up. We were all here because of her vision. In the last few seconds, one of my favourite running songs came on (I swear God is a DJ) and I saw the clock ticking down at the finish line. I poured it on and crossed at exactly 39:00.
I found out later that my family was at the finish line cheering our team on as they came through and in a way I am happy I didn't see that. I would have lost my flippin' mind and all those emotions that I had been swallowing would have come pouring out. My first thought was to call my "coach" and tell her I had finished. Without her support and advice and inspiration I'm not sure I would have finished this at all. Calling LA from the finish line over FB though didn't quite work out (my data plan will thank me  later) I was so stoked. So proud. So amazed that I had done this.
I will take part in the Rankin Cancer Run as long as it is around, and as long as I am physically able. I hope that my children will continue to do the same. One day I hope we won't have to, because as Mary Ann says, that will be when we have beaten this. Until then, I will run, because I can.

**there is more to this day but that will be for another blog or else I will be here all night, a sobbing emotional mess...and I have to go for a run.**

food. the never ending battle...

I am going to start off by saying that whatever I say in this blog tonight, I have zero intention of offending anybody and if I do, I am sorry. I say this because food is an intensely personal topic. I don't think one person has 100% perfect dietary rules and our theories and food philosophies are always changing...fads, diets, lifestyle changes...This is just about me...and maybe a pet peeve or two...
  I have changed my philosophies on food as I've continued on my journey, and am currently in a "mostly clean eating" phase. I cut out processed sugars to a fairly decent extent, no alcohol, and well we have all read how many times a day I eat (5-6 usually - if you're new) Most of this has been relatively easy. I make sure to plan ahead and usually have some protein and easy to grab snacks on hand. I can honestly tell you I have only had one intense craving since I started cleaning it up in January, and it was a pizza I had brought home for my son. The key to success?? I just didn't eat it. I knew I would feel bad both physically and mentally for doing so. I can't wolf down a greasy cheesy piece of pizza after not having anything of the sort for months and expect to feel anything less than garbage. I can't enjoy the sweet tang of the tomato sauce and feel good about what I had just done. Food is a slippery slope. And I know myself. If I allow it once, who's to say no to a second or third slice...or following it up with just a little scoop of ice cream...so I just say no. And yes I know even the fittest of women allow themselves a cheat day (omg a whole day???) or a cheat meal or even just a treat once in a while...and thats cool. "they" even say that its healthy to treat yourself... But right now, where I am at in this whole thing I just don't feel like I need it. I really don't feel like I am missing out on anything. And when I look in the mirror at the changes and the progress, why would I want to risk that? I made a decision that I wanted to get fit, and that decision was more important than enjoying a piece of cake, or some french fries, or a cookie (and yes I do eat cookies...they're just kinda good for you) even just once in a while. I try not to be preachy to anyone but my kids - and yes they do eat normal stuff along with my clean stuff - and I am always eager to learn new things to try and be open as much as I would want people to be open to me. But the "come on you can have just a little **enter food here** you went to the gym today you can afford it" argument doesn't cut it for me. Right now to me food is fuel. I don't need to eat for enjoyment, I find joy in a new recipe that works out, or seeing a new shape to my arms or abs or whatever. I don't need to eat crap to be social. I can still eat with friends and family and not have to share a plate of nachos or chicken wings to have it mean something...It means far more to me when I see how they support me even if they think I'm crazy. It means something when my favourite waiter at Bugsy's not only patiently takes my order but knows it, or when my dad knows "no sauce" on my chicken. or when my mom lists all the fruit they have in the house so I don't go without dessert. That means so much more than how good any cheesecake or birthday cake or juicy cheesy greasy pizza ever will. So once in a while I may have whole wheat pasta or balsamic dressing on my salad from the Harvest Barn...pickled beets and some shredded cheddar cheese...thats my idea of cheating...(yep even when I'm bad I'm kind of good) and one day when I am comfortable with my progress I may cheat a little harder but right now I am really enjoying my choices and like I said before - I really don't feel like I am missing anything...

As for the alcohol...this was less of a clean eating move and more of a "why am I still in a funk 2 days after a night out" ... it was pointed out to me by a good friend (and one who doesn't drink often herself" that alcohol is a depressant - which I always knew but never really *got* (afterall, I am all sorts of fun when I've been drinking - no depression here!! ha ha)  But it made perfect sense. And it was entirely too easy for me to have too much, and with a new gym regimen and all the changes I was  making in my lifestyle it made sense to cut it out. I had originally planned to stop drinking just while I was finishing the 12 week program I had started, but when that ended I realized I didn't really need it. I didn't need the fuzzy hangovers (yes even after just a couple) or the really quick buzz I would get from wine. I was able to go to bars and drink sodawater (doesn't go over well when someone is trying to buy you a drink FYI - and the bartender can't quite figure out why you're there) and still enjoy the company and scenery, and cut out at a decent hour. I was able to have friends over and none of us were drinking and it was still a super fun night. Turns out I am still all sorts of fun!!  And feel great in the morning too!!

There are still all sorts of things I would like to do to further clean up my diet. Not only to eat more clean (cleaner?) but to learn more about the role food plays in our life, to expand on my cooking and baking abilities, and to really get as close to MY 100% as I can. And if I pass on your grandmothers homemade cookies, or a slice of  birthday cake its really not you....Its ALL ME!